Friday, December 15, 2006
daniel powter sings…
“Where is the moment when you need it the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Tell me your blue sky's fade to grey
Tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on”
While trying to gather the broken pieces of lost hopes and doomed aspirations to complete the long overdue puzzle, I came across a song that have become my staple every morning when I open my pc. It never fails. Even all through out the day, I would stop for a while and listen to the song. I am not downplaying the possibility that perhaps I could relate to the song, I am also trying to postulate that somehow it reflects on my day-to-day battle with life’s uncertainties. There are moments that we need someone the most. Trying times. Gloomy days. Fucked up moments. Screwed periods. Count triumphs too (but very rarely). Whatever moments, we need someone to share it with. To sympathize or empathize however you look at it. On the other hand, during these moments, we also need to recognize that it all depends on us. The classic me always end up lost and jaded and most of the time drunk and dreary. I haven’t resorted yet to kicking up the leaves but surely the magic is lost. There’s no trace of happiness on my eyes and I have become withdrawn. Perfect example is how I feel right now. For one, the blue sky has turned to gray. Then comes the rain after which. The rain brings spine tingling sensation to soak in one’s anonymity. Just like onset of dusk, I always associate rain with my feelings being drained into obscurity. My sunset hunting days I think has been completely turned upside down. I used to love its sight and the melancholic healing it brings. Yesterday, when I passed by manila bay, the sun was beginning to set. It has lost its allure and the beauty I once appreciated. Is the passion really gone away?
“You're standin' in line just to hit a new low
You're fakin' a smile with the coffee to go
Tell me your life's been way off line
You're fallin' to pieces every timeAnd I don't need no carryin' on”
Cloaked in a happy disposition and cheesy outlook to exude the unperturbed façade, a fake smile is what I have perfected lately. The question whether I am good at it remains to be seen. Although I doubt it because a lot of people still see the sad look on my face. Hands down, I feel that my life has been off line. It’s like I am never complete not until bel is all mine. Day by day, it tears me apart to realize that she is still not with me. I have been entertaining a lot of stupid thoughts and I cant help but be eaten raw by my insane illusion.
“'Cause you had a bad day, you're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day, the camera don't lie
You're comin' back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day... you had a bad day”
And so everyday is a bad day. Just like the song goes, I do have a bad day and I’m taking one down. Yeah, I sing the song with so much candor and gusto to the point that it seeps into my system all the more. Alternately, there’s another song that I like to hear and goes with this song also by James Blunt entitled “Tears and Rain”. It has basically the same theme and meaning and somehow I could relate into it also.
“Sometimes the system goes on the blink
and the whole thing it turns out wrong.
You might not make it back
And you know that you could be well all that strong
And I'm not wrong...”
Until when I’d be like this? I dunno. I have to accept the fact that sometimes the system goes on the blink and the whole thing turns out wrong. Well, if I have to assess myself whether I am strong in all of this, I think I am. To go through such thing has been an ordeal but a lot of realizations have sunk in also. For now maybe I can’t see the positive side of it but I am sure after the bad day is a good one.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
back to what i was talking when i woke up (i drifted right away to some other things), i walked in the busy streets of estrada to look for food. the air that greeted me when i went down was cold and has the distinct christmas feeling. little did i know that Typhoon Reming was unleashing its wrath in some parts of the country. Which explains why the air was cold and damp. Ahh...the great Christmas feeling. I found a nook that sold some home made dishes and i devoured veggies since i missed them for quite some time now.
the subic trip was supposedly rest and leisure in the guise of a planning workshop cum bull session. as it turned out, it was all planning workshop to the core and bull session to the fullest. the initial plan of having to have a night out, casino and nature trek did not materialize at all. what materialized was the short trip to royal subic duty free. i got px goods for a reasonable price mostly toiletress and some chocolates too for bel and bvhoy and shy.
last night, i went to malolos, bulacan with arnie. we were to join mae's elementary friends for their reunion. we went there past 8 already but the van we took was way too faster than i expected. in no time at all, we were at Paradise Resort with mae's friends. i was a little bit apprehensive to join since there were a lot of them who had started drinking already by the time we got there. after the awkward introduction, arnie and i blended well with the group. well not after 3 to 4 shots of hard drink. after which, it was a breeze knowing them and mingling with them. it was easy to get along well with them after. then we went swimming. it was a long night of drinks, swimming and conversations. we went home at 5 in the morning which explains why i slept the whole afternoon. during the morning, mae and arnie had an extended stay here since we hit the microphones for the karaoke singing.
til here. the letter i is not functioning well and i hate to hit the keyboards.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
I have been lax lately on my blog habit. I told you. If I am my happy self again, I tend to forget to blog anymore. The good news is that I was able to fix my petty misunderstanding with bvhoy. Also, I was able to make amends with bel and we get along well after almost a month of not talking on the phone. And since I don’t have a heavy heart anymore, the bottom line is that I am happy and therefore there is no room for me to write my happiness anymore.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Then this very early I got a mail from bel. Below is the full transcript together with the letter I sent her with which she based her reply.
i know you don't believed me but that's how i feel...i've tried to ignore you but i can't...i hate this felings i pretend to my self that im ok bt im not...i want to see you GOD KNOWS HOW MUCH I MISSED YOU GA...sometimes i want to go to your house bt im afraid because you ignored my mails...im so happy that you replied at last...as what i told you di kami mawawala syo maniwala ka sana sa akin...i swear to that ga...i want you to take care of your self...ayaw ko na nagiinom ka o kung ano man..please kung di sa akin para nlang sa baby...ga i know how you feel coz i feel the same i can't sleep at night thinking of you.i hope this time makinig ka sa akin at maibsan ko ang nararamdaman mo ga.i really want to see you ga.can i?
On saturday i have a sched (same time) for my prenatal and another lab.don't worri i always take care of my self and the baby.
i hope to see you soon ga.
i really love you.
hi ga, i'm glad you wrote me letters. i was expecting that you have made up your mind by now but i think i still have to bide my time. while your other foot is on the other side of the fence, i can't help but have doubts still in all these things. i have taken a long vacation and i am back in all my elements now. i thought that when i go back, i would be back to my normal self but i still am feeling half empty of what you have done to me. maybe, it's Gods' will that it will be like this. if only i turn back time and undo all the things that i did i would have done them. i don't like this feeling that i feel everyday. i am with a heavy heart and each day is like one hell of a marathon of agony and pains. each night has been a torment that everytime i hit the bed i wished that i would not wake up anymore. but then i still see the morning sun. maybe it's wrong to wish that your dead. they say that we should be careful of what we wish it might come true. but it always wish that it will come true so that i would not feel this way anymore.
i am sorry i am feeling this way. i hope you understand. God knows how much i love you. if only i could visit all the churches again and light the candles all over again i would do it if it would mean i could have you and the baby.
your last email struck me in a different way i guess. you are still the same mabel that i used to know. what you say is entirely different from what you do. please don't say you love me because you don't mean what you say. perhaps you still don't know it's meaning because if you truly love me then you would have done what you said before. maybe it's my fault too because i expected a lot. but then again, you knew me also that i would always believe in what you say no matter how i am always clouded with doubts.
until here. please take extra care of the baby.
it would be an understatement for me to say that i love you but i still do.
in all these things, I am still in quandary of what to do. Each day has been a torment to me. I feel like it’s draining me to the core. Last night on my way home, I thought again of ending my life. I can’t bear this pain anymore that I lost my best friend and bel is still the same. A half of myself is tied up with bel and another one fourth was taken by bvhoy last night. The remaining portion in me is half drained also and confused of what has been happening to me. I hope that bel would one day realize that I don’t go for a set up like this. I am still the third party that I used to be even if she is still carrying my baby in her womb. When will she realize that as husband and wife should live together under the same roof. When will she realize that for sometime now I am always lost because of what she does to me. when will she realize that I am never complete without her. When will she realize that she has to give up ed if we are to live as a family together. I still sound hopeful though in all these things because I still believe in us together.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
The eccentricities of life if viewed from the perspective of a mediocre person thrown and tossed into it are quite irresolute. The crooked highway of life no matter how hard you make it straight remains to be full of thorns and humps. Wishy-washy as I am,
Human as we are, we are bound to make mistakes.
I’m glad I am feeling this way again. I guess it’s a part of acceptance process and letting go phase (sounds like I just delivered a new baby).
Come November 15, it’s her birthday. I don’t know yet if she will meet up with me. the last time we saw each other was two weeks ago. I stopped sending her text messages and chat after our serious talk last October 20. it’s almost two weeks and during those period, I was a bum and wasted. Although I sent her an email message, it was some sort of goodbye message. I don’t know if she was able to read it already I hope she does. This time, I like her to know that I am hurt of what she had decided for herself. But I miss her a lot. God knows how much I miss her. I am worried about the baby also.
I was trying to remember things last night what went wrong in between the two of us. I could not really fathom the magnitude of its effect to me so far but I know pretty well the outcome would not be a favorable one for me. I know this would mean a lot of consequences to me and that I will not be able to bring back again the things that should have been otherwise if I am not stubborn. I will have regrets I know. As early as now, I am preparing myself to accept those.
I got a new mail again from mabel. This time, she is asking for assistance for our baby. What can I say, I will be a father soon.
marami lang akong iniisip ngayon na matagal ko ng saloobin. Actually, sa dami ng naiisip ko hindi ko na alam kung ano ang tama at ano ang mali. Oo, sinagot ko ang kanyang sulat at kahit papano ako ay nagmagandang loob na sasagutin ang mga kinakailangan ng bata. Masama pa rin ang loob ko sa totoo lang. Parang wala akong magandang nagawa sa relasyong eto kaya nahantong sa ganito. Sino ba ang dapat sisihin? Ako ba? Siya ba? Or kami pareho? Sino kaya ang pwedeng sumagot ng mga tanong ko…
hindi ko pwedend ikwento sa nanay ko kse masyadong masalimuot ang aming estado ngayon. Tiyak hindi nya maiintidihan kung bakit. Kaya sinabihan ko lang sya na huwag na lang maki alam. Alam ko may malasakit ang nanay ko kahit papano pero ngayon kelangan na dapat wala syang malalaman tungkol sa aming dalawa. Mahalaga na kahit papano o ano man ang mangyayari, wala syang alam tungkol sa kung ano nga ba talaga ang tunay na dahilan.
Siguro kung alam nia tiyak na magagalit yun sa una. Pero sa una lang naman. Siguro naman maiintidihan din nya kung bakit nag kaganito. Sa dami ng nangyari sa buhay ko na parang duamaan lang na normal, eto pa lang ang pinaka masalimuot sa tanang buhay ko.
May kliyente pa ako. Teka lang.
Eto ulit ako. Ayan, maraming pula tuloy ang aking manuscript gawa ng tagalog ang sulat ko ngayon.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Morbid? Yeah. but if it would happen, I would thank the Lord that I’ll be put to rest. I don’t like working anymore. There is no more meaning to what I do. My life has no direction. Without bel I am nothing. I was telling myself that in a month or two, I’ll get over this feeling. But I think day by day, am being killed slowly of what I feel. I could never fathom where the pain is coming from. My chest pains has been persistent aside from the emotional anguish that I am feeling.
I lost my friends too. I don’t like to be with them anymore. The last time I was with bvhoy and shy, I feel like I don’t like their company anymore. I don’t like the feeling. Day in and day out, I find myself bitter in their actions towards me and I want to simply tear them away from my system too. There must be something wrong with me or them but I am such a paranoid freak. For a lot of times, I thought of being unavailable also should they invite me again. I have started to be mean also to them even if only for myself. I stopped texting and chatting shy for over a week now except yesterday when I accidentally replied in her chat message. I also promised to stop seeing both of them except last Friday. I did not invited her though. It was sunshine who did. For bvhoy, I also lost the luster in replying to his text messages. And I like to remain it that way for now. I too have some bitterness towards him now that he too has a girlfriend. Come a time that he’ll be broken hearted, I will never be an ash tray for him. I feel like he was there when he needed me. and now that he is perfectly fine and all that sunny in his situation, he has already forgotten me. talk about a subtle way of revenge. I’ll never let him know also of what I am doing with my life.
Last night, my landlord talked with me to vacate the place I am renting. Then, I thought that probably, it is high time for me to move out and leave mac alone and my brother’s shadow. I guess it is a perfect time for me to be independent and all. Now that I have a stable job I could do whatever I want to do with my life. Now that I lost my love, bvhoy and shy and the rest of my friends, I think it is better to start somewhere else. Build new friendship and forget the old ones. Build a new home and discard the old one including the memories that was left in there.
Since it seems that my inappropriate wish is not being granted by the Lord, I might as well move on. Pick up from where I fell and from there build a new life again. I know they will still be a part of my colorful past but they are lessons that could make me a better person in my next journey in life.
Regarding my schooling, I have lost the zest also. It’s as if everything in me was shattered to pieces that it is already difficult to build me up again. I lost the luster and zest of life. I lost the positive energy and optimistic me. I lost the jolly person that was me. I am no longer the amiable, sunny and easy person to be with. Instead, I’ve become bitter. Self-centered and a mean creature.
I am a different person now. What has got into me that I am such a nut and a contagious nut at that, I don’t know. All I know is that I am easily provoked and I am bitter towards other people.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Going back, life was so simple then. I was with EMB working at the same time taking up nursing at PCHS. Life was routinary. I would go to the office during day time and go straight to school after work. In between, I would join my friends in some drinking session somewhere at the back of our dilapidated office. When I have field works, I would no longer go back to the office. Instead I would wander around the metropolis or prepare for my class. Then I met her in one of my subjects and it all started from there. My life became chaotic from that moment on until now.
I couldn’t say that I regretted that one year. In fact, I learned a lot. There were many lessons, mistakes, realizations and intricacies worth the sacrifice. It actually made me more mature and strong. Sturdy strong at that I may say.
Just right now, I realized that part of moving on phase is being able to talk about it and not having to be bitter about it. Have I moved on in so short a time? I mean, it was just last Friday that we broke up. Maybe because it has been ages that I felt this way and that I had so much of it. Talk of “ kung puno na ang salop.”
Last night, I invited Mommy Geline for a dinner. I invited bvhoy too but he was not able to make it because probably he has a date. And so I was able to talk about what has become of me and my relationship for the past weeks. Mommy has been ever since can be depended upon. When I was still in EMB, she will be a shoulder to cry on. She was my cigarette buddy during my uneasy times and most of the time when I am just down and uncomfortable with my working condition. She was just there to listen and give her piece of advice. And I am glad that last night she was there again to listen to me. More than anything, I need a listener who could just understand me. Aside from that of course, we made up for the lost times. We talked about anything and everything. We parted after some two hours of talking.
I was supposed to do some charity work last night but my laptop would not just function. I was jittery because when I opened it, it was able to boot up but then when mak looked for something he accidentally tripped over the cable and the pc went dead. After that, it never returned to normal and I could no longer start the black thing. In my frustration, I slept early. I hope ballot could come over this evening and fix it so that I could finish the charity work I started two nights ago.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Stretch, go back to sleep, stretch again, get up, shower, dress up. In more than thirty minutes, I’m here in my office tapping my keyboard.
Shortly after dinner last night, I had chest pains. It’s on the right side and it wont just go away. I was thinking that maybe it was just some muscle twitching but then before I hit the bed, I kind of still having the pains that every time I turn on the other side there is a muscle being pinched. Worst, it’s so painful I would groan most of the time. But then, I had good night sleep it didn’t bother me at all when I got to wonderland. Probably due to fatigue the day before. Physically and emotionally. This morning, the pain is still there. And so I thought of seeing the Office physician today so that I could have a professional opinion on what is happening to me. Though it has been bugging me the whole night and also this morning that this is brought (well, in part I guess) by the heart break that floored me last Friday I could still not get over the fat that there must be something else. Well I guess it add up perhaps to what has been my emotional state. And so I am confused. Is the pain more of my emotional dwindle or it is my medical condition that needs a little bit pf propping up. It was only last month that I had my medical check up but ECG was not a part of it. I am thinking that maybe I have some sickness with my respiratory system because ever since the world began I had this malfunctioning of my heart and other organs and tissues that involves my breathing.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Re: i know i really love you
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<> mabel agullana
ViewTuesday, October 24, 2006 5:20:40 PM
kamusta kna? alam ko nasaktan kita mg husto pero di mo ata ako naintindihan dun sa mga sinabi ko...pero nagpapasalamat ako syo ksi you let me reallized kung ano dapat ang gagawin ko sa buhay...ga for how many days na tinatry kung makontak ka tapos di ko magawa even calling sa landline i've tried pero wala din ring lang ring...sbi mo palagi ko alalahanin ang 1 corinthians kso habang inaalala ko tumutulo ang luha ko...ga sana my puwang pa din ako sa puso mo ksi feeling ko nawala kna sa akin...ga alam mo di ako makatulog kasi ikaw lang laman ng isip ko now i reallized na mahal nga talaga kita...
ga i will asked you this for the last time kung ok pa syo...could you process the marriage this time? ksi alam ko ang dami ko ng mali na ginawa pero sa ngayon ayaw ko madamay ang anak ntin ga...ayaw ko magiging kawawa sia..ako lang ang nagkamali kaya aayosin ko na ang lahat lahat...pero di ko alam ngayon ang nasa puso mo ga...kung sakaling galit kna sa akin tanggapin ko ng maluwag sa puso ko...pero sana kmi pa din ni baby ang andyan...i missed you ga...;-(
i know my duda ka sa sinasabi ko syo...di ba sinabi ko syo na darating ako ng biglaan syo...eto na nakapagdecide na ako...ga bahala kana sa future natin nina baby.
so, what do I have in mind right now? The big question is whether I will tie the knot or not. In my four days of internalization, I have come to realize that I have partially drifted away from her. I thought about events and happenings which eventually led to the disastrous Friday last week. There are missing pieces and gaps but slowly, God has taught me to accept what my fate is. I could say I came out strong enough after day three and was able to be rational and think of practical ways. For one, I did not ran away from the metropolis. I did not commit suicide just like what I thought. I did not drown myself in beer except last Friday due to insistence of bvhoy so we could meet up. I had only four bottles though. The succeeding days, I was lost in my thoughts but I did not go over board. I am glad to say that the least I did was to walk and walk and just walk I ended up in sta. Ana race track in the morning of Tuesday. Dueing those times also, I watched a lot of HBO and Star movies ( I admit I cried to some of the scenes) but that was it. I also watched a movie by myself entitled “the guardian” which stars Kevin costner and ashton kutcher (it was a good movie though. I was transformed to another world even for two hours). Best of all, I went shopping. I bought two pieces of folded and hung pants and six pieces of human polo shirt. I also bought a ring for myself to replace the old one. There is not much significance in buying the ring. I just felt that it was high time to get another one and move on with my life. I got a silver one by the way and a lil bit okay than the previous one. Also, I was able to get my student permit license from LTO. Now, a lot happened to me after such a break up isn’t it? How many break ups should I have in order to fill my entire wardrobe. Surely break up is such an expensive vice. But it felt good afterwards. I admit I am not completely healed but time will do. During my conversation with bvhoy and shy, I told them to just give me one month and I’ll be able to fix myself and be back to my normal self again.
And so I have to go and answer the mail.
Friday, October 20, 2006
I am still trembling at this very moment. It hasn’t sink in fully well but I guess I would freak out I it will. God knows how I love her and how I suffered a lot. Below is the transcript of our conversation that finally nailed the coffin. My coffin I should say. I want to cry right at this very moment. But I cant simply do that. My visions is blurred actually maybe because I cant think well. I have a very heavy heart. I did not expected this. I have so much hope and so much belief that all would come out well. But I was wrong…
I can never be good enough for someone else…
[12:23] yrel25: kumain ka na/[12:34] pretty_yrl25: tapos na [12:34] pretty_yrl25: ikaw?[12:36] pretty_yrl25: ge idlip muna ako kc ang sakit ng ulo ko[12:45] yrel25: okies[13:36] Meebo Message: pretty_yrl25 is offline[14:26] Meebo Message: pretty_yrl25 is online[14:27] pretty_yrl25: my nagchat ba syo simula ng matulog ako?[14:28] pretty_yrl25: Buzz!![14:29] pretty_yrl25: poissttttt[14:39] yrel25: wala naman[14:39] pretty_yrl25: akala ko pinakialaman ni ate ruby [14:40] yrel25: hindi naman[14:40] pretty_yrl25: ok[14:48] yrel25: so ano tuloy tayo bukas?[14:48] yrel25: pwede pa ba tayong magkita nian or hindi na?[14:50] pretty_yrl25: ga ako nlang mag isa punta dun...per di muna bukas cguro bk by tuesday na[14:50] yrel25: sige[14:50] yrel25: ikaw bahala[14:50] pretty_yrl25: my exam ako sa pharma bukas[14:50] yrel25: sunod sunuran na lang ako sayo[14:50] pretty_yrl25: wag ga[14:50] yrel25: oks lang yan[14:51] yrel25: hanggat kaya ko pa naman eh[14:51] pretty_yrl25: ga lalayo nlang kya ako syo[14:51] pretty_yrl25: ang bait mo[14:52] pretty_yrl25: ako hindi[14:52] pretty_yrl25: ang sama no[14:52] pretty_yrl25: ang sama ko no[14:53] pretty_yrl25: sana mabait din ako tulad mo[14:53] yrel25: tingin ko wala na talaga akong pag asa sa yo ga[14:53] pretty_yrl25: di ko alam kung san ako pupunta ga[14:53] yrel25: sabihin mo na lang ga agad kung ayaw mo na para di na ako aasa pa[14:54] pretty_yrl25: alam mo iyak na nman ako ng iyak[14:54] pretty_yrl25: nakakainis[14:54] yrel25: di ko na din alam ang gagawin[14:54] pretty_yrl25: pra di na nauubos ang luha ko[14:54] yrel25: siguro its time for me to move on na lang[14:55] pretty_yrl25: do ko na alam talaga ga ang gagawin ngayon[14:55] pretty_yrl25: di ko na alam ang tama [14:56] pretty_yrl25: ang bigat bigat ng nasa dibdib ko[14:56] yrel25: alam mo kung ano ang tama ayaw mo lang gawin[14:56] pretty_yrl25: ga kung mapapahamak ka lang nman...mag tiis nalang ako[14:57] pretty_yrl25: di bali umiyak ako ng umiyak[14:57] yrel25: so pano? [14:57] yrel25: ano tayo ngayon? wala lang..[14:57] yrel25: ganon lang[14:57] yrel25: pano ung anak ko?[14:59] pretty_yrl25: ga kung ano man mangyari sa akin pagnanganak ako...in case na mawala ako...ipaiwan ko syo ang bata[14:59] yrel25: ano bang plano ni ed?[14:59] yrel25: aakuin nia ba?[14:59] pretty_yrl25: hindi ko gagawin un[15:01] pretty_yrl25: kung lumayo man ako...ako lang mag isa[15:01] pretty_yrl25: at least wlang madamay[15:01] yrel25: di ko alam gagawin ko[15:01] yrel25: basta dito lang ako lagi[15:01] pretty_yrl25: wa ka gumaya sa akin ga[15:01] yrel25: u know where to call and reach me[15:02] yrel25: alam ko sa desisyon mong to ako ang talo pero ala akong magagawa kung un gusto mo[15:02] yrel25: ung ina alala ko lang ung anak ko[15:02] yrel25: kaso wala din akong panghahawakan kse di naman tayo kasal[15:02] pretty_yrl25: no....pls don't change ur cell number....[15:03] yrel25: im at the losing end[15:03] pretty_yrl25: magpapakasal ako syo ga [15:03] yrel25: tandaan mo lagi ung I corintihians 13.[15:03] yrel25: pag nabasa mo yan. isipin mo ako ang nagsasabi sayo ng ganyan[15:04] yrel25: i guess this is not goodbye yet[15:05] pretty_yrl25: no[15:05] pretty_yrl25: bk umuwi ako sa iloilo ga[15:05] yrel25: mag leleave ako on monday[15:05] yrel25: kse alang pasok sa tusday[15:06] yrel25: di ko alam kung san ako dadalhin ng tadhana mamya[15:07] yrel25: LOVE..bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things[15:07] pretty_yrl25: pls nman ga tandaan mo andito kmi ng anak mo[15:07] pretty_yrl25: babalik ako syo...[15:08] pretty_yrl25: sana andyan kpa [15:09] pretty_yrl25: ikaw na ang huling mamahalin ko ga.... [15:10] yrel25: Love is patient and is kind; love doesn't envy. Love doesn't brag, is not proud,5 doesn't behave itself inappropriately, doesn't seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil;6 doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will be done away with. Where there are various languages, they will cease. Where there is knowledge, it will be done away with.9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part;10 but when that which is complete has come, then that which is partial will be done away with.11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child. Now that I have become a man, I have put away childish things.12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, even as I was also fully known.13 But now faith, hope, and love remain-these three. The greatest of these is love.[15:11] yrel25: good luck sa pinili mong way. God bless at dont forget that I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. ung baby natin wag mong pabayaan.[15:11] pretty_yrl25: sana mging kagaya mo ako ga....ur strong....[15:13] pretty_yrl25: hindi syempre...eto lang ang pinanghahawakan ko syo[15:15] pretty_yrl25: I THINK LOVE YOU MORE....coz i care so much about you...takot akong mawala ka...lalo na mapahamak ka[15:16] pretty_yrl25: isang araw darating nalang ako sa bahay mo....[15:16] pretty_yrl25: ga if in case i need help ksi paubos na saving ko...pwede mo ba ako tulungan ?[15:18] pretty_yrl25: i know ur crying ga...wag ksi magkikita pa rin tayo...[15:18] yrel25: for my baby i will[15:18] pretty_yrl25: tanx....[15:19] yrel25: alak lang naman to eh[15:20] pretty_yrl25: ga pag nag alak ka ng alak..walang mangyayari syo at sa amin ng anak mo[15:21] pretty_yrl25: pls....ipangako mo sa akin wag kang mag iinom kasi mag woworry ako syo...baka mapahamak din kmi[15:21] pretty_yrl25: kai mag iisip ako na mag iisip[15:22] yrel25: got to go..[15:22] yrel25: punta lang akong cr..[15:22] yrel25: sign out na ako[15:22] yrel25: I LOVE YOU
and so I am single again. I may have sired a baby girl but technically I am single again. I am devastated. I am broke, damaged, desolate. Name all the adjectives and I am like that. I guess there’s no more left to cry. There’s no more tears that will come out of this dehydrated eyes of mine. My feelings could not be explained. It’s indescribable. I/m lost and my life has no more meaning. In my thirty years of living, I was effortlessly complaining that I never encountered such a gigantic problem yet. And so I got what I wished for. For more than a year, I was a slave and I was blinded by love. I never knew I would end up this way. My prayer vigil and bisita iglesia did not work. I am thinking of who is to blame. I am thinking of persons to put the hammer on but it’s not just right.
I don’t know where I will be going tonight. My life has no purpose and direction anymore. Shall I end my life? Shall I join the roster of those who have made a short cut to the gates of hell in order to escape the cruelty of this world?
I cant fathom life has to offer and the meaning of why I exist. I cant seem to connect the enmity of life’s eccentricities. I feel that I don’t deserve this.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Good thing that for one month now, I have been a changed person. I see to it that I would not comment nor step my foot forward on things that I am not involved with. I am glad to say also that for sometime now, I have stopped to back bit people and have learned to become passionate and considerate. You may say that it comes with aging. Perhaps true if you look at it that way. Maturity is a sign that indeed we can handle any circumstances that comes our way.
There are eight (8) of us here in the office. new recruits like shiela and me are tying to fit in ourselves. While there is not much adjustment for me as I felt I am already comfortable here, I still am getting to know their unique personalities. Some are on the neutral and safe side while the others are arrogant and know it all type. And so I would l am thinking of maintaining my usual silent type persona.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Glorieta 4 was melancholic and gloomy early Sunday morning. The clouds cover up the entire metropolis threatening to shower the whole area with raging rains. Traffic was a breeze and there was no much commuters. Maybe a little too early at eight in the morning I may say but the road seemed too wide for the taxi as it made its way along ayala and makati avenue. We got there at exactly 8:30 just in time for the preaching to start. We were able to catch the last part of the worship though. Tatay, nanay and me with balot’s family were there also. They were late because they left tondo later than us. There was no preaching actually. A film showing instead about the lives and struggle of five missionary pilots who gave their lives for God. After the forty minute film showing, there was a reflection of the message of the film by a lady who was articulate and I could say she moved me to where I am sitting. I was made to think and reflect on my life also and my purpose. Entitled “Beyond the Gates of Splendor”, it was a true to life documentary that speaks about true meaning of love and coming into full circle, of forgiveness, of extreme kindness and the true meaning of mission. Personally, I was amazed at how I was able to think things over. Seldom do I moved by such messages. And so last Sunday I just thank God that he worked his ways to instill in me that even in simple ways, I could pass on the message of God. And so yesterday, I smiled at my neighbors who have not seen a single smile from me since day one of our meeting. I would now smile at strangers when I have the opportunity and I hope to continue that so that I’ll be able to pass on the love of God. It does not really sound so big for a work but I am starting with a single step. As the Bible says, if God is with me, so who can be against me.” great…I am starting to sound religious and all not my masungit naughty self anymore. Isn’t that a good news? Helluva good news I should say…
After church yesterday, we went home directly because nanay would be leaving at 1 pm for her 3 pm flight bound for kalibo. Tatay was left and still at home at this very moment and will probably go home by the end of this week. Good thing that he is here because he cooks food for us.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
last night was a little bit peaceful at home. Not to discount the fact that I had a peaceful sleep. In fact, I overslept. I hit the bed at exactly 10 in the evening after the soap of anne curtis and was virtually into wonder land minutes after. I woke up though tired because my sleep was more than eight hours. This is attributed maybe to lack of sleep for the past few nights due to some visit from relatives. Although nanay and tatay are still here, they were at my aunt’s place the other night. So the house was relatively peaceful and very conducive for sleeping.
Work here in my new office compared to my old one is a breeze. It’s like a walk in the park. Now, I can blog til kingdom come. Would you trade that for anything else? Of course not. I could also browse the internet and chat anytime I want. I could read all the information from newspapers and all documents from anything under the sun. Of course, I do have reservations, when there is work I see to it that I finish the work first before going to some hullabaloo.
I forgot to blog last weekend due to busy schedule. Worth blogging was our visit to the OB for an ultrasound. And so after two hours of waiting, I found out that I’ll have a baby GIRL. YES, IT’S A GIRL. Just what I exactly dreamed of. Man, I was in seventh heaven after learning that it would be a girl. Although the ultrasound result says that it’s 85 per cent female, I am pretty sure that it already is.
This early, I am thinking of a name. I am considering the name AVA for so long a time since it has been the dream name of my mother ever since the world began. She was frustrated for so long a time that she was not able to have a girl for herself. When Chloe was born, she thought that her name would be ava. But Manung and Ate Lanie did not consider such name much to her disappointment. And so I am considering such name. Bel would have the option if she would give a second name to our baby but definitely it would be.
Judging from my last two blogs, I am no longer affected by my departure from my previous office. it’s true that time heals all wounds. In so short a time, I was bale to move on. It’s exactly one month from where I took off in emb and I am glad that within that period I was able to get over the feeling. I hope it would continue this way that I am no longer affected with anything. I can attest to the fact that the other night, I went home early and left them there. After watching the video, I admit that I was hurt a lot but after which, I was amazed that I felt nothing at all. No more pain and no more wallowing in self pity. I am GLAD. Terribly GLAD that gradually, I am no longer feeling the hurt and the pain that I felt after I left the Office. I hope it would continue this way. I think that the Office has moved on also. Distance does make the heart not grow fonder. :):):)
Now I realize why God allowed my transfer. God has his own ways for my own good. Thank you Lord.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
im almost one month now in my new work. il be turning one month exactly tomorrow. well, i could say that i have finally settled down. except for some of the new things that i am learning in solid waste and hazardous waste section, the eia has been such a breeze like a walk in the park.
yesterday, i was with bvhoy at shy's house. we watched the dvd he produced which was about her and tin. after which we ate the crab that i brought along from our house. i left hurriedly because bel will be coming over to meet my parents.
and so they met. hehehe. not much of a fuzz. just the usual hi and hello. she went after eating dinner with me. the day after auntie nita, michelle and mike went home also. their flight was 5 in the morning so all of us were awake as early as 2.30 am. i slept right after they left though.
nanay and tatay are left here. i think they'll be spending some time here before going home to unwind. good for them.
bye for now.
p.s. last night was balot's birthday. there was no beer at all. im pissed. hehehe.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
after typhoon milenyo wrecked havoc on the metropolis, everything seems back to normal. but that's after six days. yes six long days. just this morning our office got its electricity back. while we had ours at home last friday afternoon, up until this time the cable is not working. and so we have to contend with just abs and gma and some unknown channels with thrash shows.
the entire week also, i was not able to talk with bel. i dunno wat happened to her during the entire week as i didnt get any call from her at all. last night she told me that she was in montalban during the calamity. and i was not informed. and i was made to believe that she was really there although at the back of my mind its a lame excuse. i did not delve into asking more about it cos i know at the end of the conversation il have painful thoughts again. and i hate to wallow in self pity. and so i left it that way. okay, she was in montalban and that she was not able to call me because there was no phone and text due to power failure. oh god, tell me its true. our conversation ended with the usual i love you but on my end i could not still feel the words that came out of her mouth. and so with mine. whew...something really bad is happening between us.
thursday was spent sleeping due to the powerful typhoon. the day after was spent with bvhoy accidentally. we visited shy at her house and got the shocked of our lives when we found out that her dad was there. it was a horrible experience though..whahaha...funny at the same time awkward...
they went out as a family and so bvhoy and me was left with nothing to do at all. and so we went to rockwell and was stopped by a taffic man for violating some traffic rules wahtever. i paid 100 bucks to get away with it...
at rockwell, we attended the mass. then ate at tokyo tokyo afterwards while watching passersby. then we roamed the mall for the last time before hitting home.
Monday, September 25, 2006
I thought abut lots of things. About me and bel. Me and bvhoy and shy. My family. My studies and my career as well. I may be good at writing down things I will do but I am extra slow in implementing them. Worst I forgot about what should be the best thing to do when my heart overwhelms my mind. Stupidity is innate in me I suppose.
While at it, I also thought that maybe it’s because of the red bull that was given for free when I paid pure gold a visit yesterday at three in the afternoon. But for god sake its effects must have done wonders on me since I am not easily downed by those energy drink. And now I realize that maybe I just have a lot of thinking to do. Maybe God wants me to think and stop on doing stupid things.
First on the line, my craziness over shy and bvhoy whom I could not resist the impulse to go with them when they invite me for a drink or dinner or whatever they have in mind. I’ve been so attached with these two people that my day has been patterned to wake up and sleep talking and texting them. When I don’t get a prompt reply I’d get depressed and wallow in a lot of things. I wonder if they feel the same way I do if I don’t text them at all. Maybe not or maybe yes. But the point is I can’t move on because I would usually fit in what ever impromptu decisions they would make. I have stalled several appointments so that I could go with them and look what I feel. With a heavy heart I would end up usually alone during night time and blame myself for what I feel. I don’t like the feeling that every night time and morning I would feel like this. I mean with a heavy heart because of some unsolved issues and thoughts that I am so paranoid.
There are times when I do get a reply from bvhoy and it comes off with arrogance and back-off-thing-feel which I would normally ignore and would still reply cordially. The good hearted in me still penetrates within and goes out a long way. Sometimes though I would shot back with arrogance though so that I’d feel well also. It helps sometimes but most of the time I am devastated. Really devastated that I cant sanely.
It happened just after my transfer in my new office that he always treats me like this. Although there was one time (that was last Thursday) that he was trying to redeem himself for all the bad things he has done to me by inviting me to go in mall of asia to have coffee. Shy didn’t make it though and so we spent the evening until eight catching up on some things. After which we went to the bar in buendia where shy is working so that there’ll be three of use again. The oisters ya know. Shy arrived a little before eleven and so we did practically shared the whole night eating and drinking. It felt good after since I know for a while that I haven’t lose a friend yet.
But the pattern goes back when we don’t see each other. And so I have resolved that I wont text them even and I’ll make some space between us so that they will realize for a time that it hurts to be so rude and so mean. I hope I could hold on to my resolution. God help me…
Bel and I seem to have a going on also. While she hibernated for three straight days without bothering to look where I am, I was also devastated and I have cried several times over what is happening on me. that explains why I doubly feel bad. Last weekend during her conjugal visit to me she evades the questions that I would throw at her. She’d always say that she has been sleeping most of the time and that a terrible headache bugged her during the week. While I would not believe her justification, I could not help but just accept it without further question anymore. The stupid and cowardice in me again. And so we ended up in bed the whole afternoon which was a blast after two weeks without having sex. It felt good and it was a wild one you only get to see in movies. Talk of porn star material. And so after she left, I was alone again thinking and contemplating on a lot of things. Last night took its toll that I thought about things I never would have thought before. Like I would pretend as her nephew and would investigate over the phone and spy her around in the camp if she really is talking about the truth. I doubt about what she says because she is not consistent at all. Anyway, I would discover things as we go along the way. Is it really true that Daddy does not visit her anymore? Where was she when she did not go to her office last Wednesday? Was she really in condo sleeping the whole day? Whew…talk about stupidity and things that I refuse to believe.
It’s past eight already and my officemates. I got to go.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
My labyrinthine life defeats the purpose of a straight path I must take.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
It is really heart wrenching I may say that slowly I feel that bel is drifting away from me. She would not text me or call me in a day or two. She did not even bother to ask my number in my new office. I dunno know what is happening to us. I hope that what I am thinking is not coming into realization. I hate to say this but I don’t like what I feel every time I think about us and what will happen to us. Now that that she will be three months on the way, I don’t know what really are our plans. Every time I ask her about if she would marry me or when would she be transferring I always get blank answers and naughty smiles. Probably it’s because we don’t talk seriously and that we haven’t sat down yet for quite some time now. It started with that mother fucker buko pie thing. Whew…how could I bring back the times lost.
What I had in mind before was that if my transfer to my new office would materialize, I would definitely be a new person. I am slowly working on that and hope to accomplish it in the years to come. Nurturing they say. I thought also that she will be transferring but lately she was having doubts like it’s flooded, the area is humid and my place too high on the third floor. What can I say…I have yet to be rich and famous in order for me to give her needs.
Im sucked and screwed.
Please help me God.
Btw, I like my chair far better here that what I have in EMB. Ergonomics wise, I am comfortable with it. When I got here, I was doubly glad to know that I have my own pc and table right away. Internet ready at that.
Weekend was very eventful for me and the oisters. Friday was spent until 4 in the morning at Saguijo. Bands there were rocking real good. Kamikaze was there (my favorite rock band in the whole wide world), urbandub(wow, wow, all I could say is wow…real good), then there was the up and coming anggulo which I think will nail a place in the music industry soon (the vocals was way too good with spiels and singing as well), the ever noisy quezo played also and I forgot the other one. In short, one hell of a time. Imagine I sustained myself until that time which I could have normally slept. There was not much beer actually since it’s too expensive (50.bottle) excluding the entrance fee. Good thing shy footed the bill on the entrance. Bvhoy and I still manage to go home since he has still to go to the wake. He dropped me off in my house. The whole day of Saturday was spent sleeping. The luxury I get lately.
Then Saturday night was another drinking session night. Shy texted me she’ll be coming over with lester. And so I texted bvhoy to come over too. They brought kfc take out dinner which was good. Hmm…we downed two grande red horse bottle except for bvhoy who was I think not feeling for the night since his date was cut short. Bad trip in short and he was just very eager to go home. The group split up at 10.30 (way too early) to head home except for me since it’s my house…
Yesterday was spent with God in the morning and at manila baywalk at time. Such ironies. I have come to realize about what the life coach was saying yesterday about three things. It’s about depth against shallowness, duty against slyness and devotion against separateness. I was just stunned that all the while I was not able to assess myself and I am leaning towards this worldly sins. Attitude check they say and check it is. I was guilty and the sermon just overwhelmed me to assess my life again. I hope I could be able to grasp and employ the depth of what I want in life. Of what I want to be and whom I want to make an impact with. Duty in the sense that in my work, I have to be fully dedicated. So timely I say since I have a new job right now, I could start all over again, I thank God for putting me in the new office where corruption is remote and I could work without any hang ups. I pray to God that he will continue to bless me and guide me in my day to day living. Now that I am leading a new life, I hope that the Lord will not just help me with my new work but the reconstruction of my whole life. I want to change everything in me. While I see that the effort should be more than with me with the help of the Lord, I know that I have to start somewhere else. The first step towards being new. For the moment I do not know yet where to start. I have to begin somewhere else. I’l drop my old number perhaps and stop chatting with my old ym add. Yes, that’s better. It’s a good start.
It’s almost 8 am. Bye for now I have to work.
Friday, September 15, 2006
My first day here in ESG was sort of getting to know them by names (I could memorize their names already). I am a bit hesitant but I am glad to know that they are reaching out to include me in their conversations and small talks. Vivian was way accommodating for inviting me during break time to have coffee and merienda in the pantry. Sir Frank was also supportive for having a small chit chats with me in between. Bimbo on the other hand gave me brochures that kept me busy for the rest of the day (reading that is). Ma’am Toni on the other hand was eager to let me do the work right away that I like because I hate idling. I am supposed to do the database of ECC/CNC processed but Vivian forgot to give me the raw data. I was supposed to do it today but she’s still not around. Il just have to remember that I have to deliver the goods at the end of the week.
Yesterday was spent also on briefings on the work that I will be doing here. Although im a bit familiar with the work, there are a lot of things I have to learn. For one, I was amazed at how organized they are with what they are doing here. From the receiving until such time that the documents are released, everything are in order. They have forms for every activity that is easier for an evaluator. Case in point during the screening and the review proper, they have forms to guide you. Wow, not so much brain whacking for an evaluator. Vivian was telling me if I could fine-tune the said forms but I said that they are good as it is. I think I will not be having a hard time unlike in my previous work that I have to scratch my head to evaluate documents thoroughly. Wow, a guide…I did not think about that when I was in the other office. I still have a lot to learn though. I believe my knowledge is still not at par with theirs so I have to do a lot of research and read a lot.
While browsing through the pertinent laws related to PEZA given by Bimbo, I was caught off guard since there are a lot of things I have to know. Before, I thought that I know a lot about environmental laws, not I have to double check what I know. Up until today, I still am on the process of familiarizing with the basic laws that is the Bible of PEZA. I brought my manual but it’s not enough. In here, you have to be well versed not just with one law but will all the five basic environmental laws such as Clean Air Act, Clean Water Act, Solid Waste Management Act, Toxic and Hazardous Waste Management Act and Philippine EIS System (which is my forte). Those laws are the things that I have to review. I may be needing my brochures which I left in my previous Office and hope to be familiar with it.
Well, my thoughts on whether I have regrets in moving out of EMB? None whatsoever. I feel I will be comfortable here in due time and will be able to master the work sometime soon. Just give me a month or two and I will be able to know the ins and outs of documents, their styles as well as their personalities in which I could fit it. Im a flexible person and I believe I could easily associate with this kind of people. Prima facie, the ESG Group personnel are all amiable and accommodating also. In due time, I wont be a shy type guy anymore here but a part of the group.
It’s true I miss my former office mates but it just end there. I have to move on. Yesterday after my office here, I went back there to endorse the projects that I left. The only thing I left there are my things. I plan to get them on weekend since I put it in one box. I am saddened though that I left them but it’s for my own good and security as well. I’ll miss mommy geline and bvhoy (my constant companions during lunch time) but it has to be that way. In no time at all, I’ll be finding new friends here also. It doesn’t mean that I am leaving them. Of course not. I’d still get to mingle with bvhoy and shy since they are my constant gimmick mates. With mommy geline probably once or twice a month would be the most I could offer. I am becoming so emotional that two days prior to my resignation day, I was crying during night time. My last day was not so lonely actually because bvhoy gave me a treat in Manukan (pansit canton, peanuts and quail eggs over a bottle of sprite). After that we went to Shy’s house to find all the rest of the housemates there. We ate dinner together and had some conversations after. We went home afterwards. Good thing bvhoy did not went home in his house but spent the night in my house. It was not all lonely at all and I had someone to talk to when we got home. The house was empty good ting he was there. Tired as I am I jest watched TV for a few minutes and slept afterwards. The following morning, instead that I take the route straight to PEZA, I took the route of MEB still with Bvhoy going to PEZA. I was so devastated when we parted ways when he went up the building while I have to cross the street in pedro gil to take the fx going here. Finally, it’s real. I have a new office I actually said to myself.
Im back. I worked that’s why I stopped writing this morning. Anyway, it’s approaching 5 and my work is done. Where was I again? Yeah, when I realized that it’s for real that I finally transferred to a new work. A bit odd and strange environment but I’m starting to like it.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
while my application in PEZA is making progress i am beginning to see a brighter future for me and my family. ive crossed my fingers a lot of times and had asked the inercession of my friends and family to help me pray for the job. i hope God would hear my prayers.
why am i writing now? wha't wrong with me? actually, i should not be acting this way now that i have the full assurance that she'll gonna marry me and live with me eventually. then, why i am so much in a quandary? i feel like im crushed into pieces. i feel like somebody just pressed me to the walll and my whole being is being stripped of peace of mind. i feel like some person has violated me and that i could only expect for the worst. im not saying that i didnt saw it coming. actually with the closeness we had, i feel that we're going overboard. which i hope did not happen to me because im devastated to think that this will slip away. god, please no. please...
i am publishing this piece of me today to show how lonesome and sad i am over some petty things.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Confused, puzzled, perplexed, bewildered. Name them and they all explain how I feel right now. I could drown myself in the angry waves of manila bay across the road man. I wish Im home. I wish I could talk to somebody. I wish people will understand me. So many wishes and yet I could not contain what’s inside me right now. I could cry…
there was a three day hibernation between me and her. We only talked today after the storm that hit the metropolis which left me stranded in shy’s house for 3 days also. It was intentional to leave my sun phone at home so that we could not talk. For three straight days, we had no communication at all. For three straight days I was drowning in beer. As if there’s no tomorrow. This morning when we talked about it, it really did sink in. im gonna be a father. and im not prepared. I could cry…
well, I almost did. Yesterday, I was nearly drunk when I opened up to bvhoy that she’s pregnant. I got a dense answer though. I was hurt. Really hurt. It probably showed a little to him but man I could not contain myself I almost cried my tears could have fallen if I did not change the topic right away. I stopped talking about us after that. I know I was too selfish to talk about my relationship and so I said that from now on only mommy geline will know and no one else. i could cry…
god knows my love for her would reach the 7th heaven. No question on that. I knew in my entire being that there’s nobody like her. But the thought of having to marry and settling down bothers me most. I am incapacitated. I am what they call half meant. I am ill prepared. I am so much of everything yet I am nothing. I could cry…
Monday, June 19, 2006
I too had my share of uncertainties over certain things. Actually, over a lot of things. If I am to assess in perspective what has become of me right now vis-à-vis of the things I thought I would be, it is a far cry from what I imagined. While I savor every moment that come my way be it uncanny and bland, I have this attitude to take things for granted and let the moment pass by. Some though has been a blast while others overwhelmed me nonetheless. Majority, however, brought pain, loneliness and frustrations. Accepting the fact that life is not a bed of roses, the thought in the same way that life isn’t showered with thorns makes me think that somehow, we all deserve a tinge of happiness.
All right, I am sad right now. I have a heavy heart again. Both physically and emotionally. Occasionally, this feeling creeps from nowhere and would just grip me when the sun begins to set in the afternoon. Then, I would feel the rush inside me as if my b/p is shooting to 150/120 again. I would feel uneasy and I would think and remember lots of things. I would be analytical of situations and begin to be critical about things, happenings, relationships and facts as well.
over the weekend, bel visited me in my new rented place. We spent the whole day watching tv. Surfing every channel she could muster and eventually end up in bed tired and satisfied. For the past weeks now, that has been the routine. She would visit me, eat good food and have sex after. Renting a private place for me has been a good decision now that I stopped schooling. I have regrets though that I wasn’t able to enroll but then I think that’s it’s God’s will that I will not be in school this semester. I am just keeping my fingers crossed that I will still have the zeal and enthusiasm to enroll next semester.
While it is unnecessary to mention this, bel, rhea and jen visited me this morning (we ate breakfast at pal) because they had an orientation in ospital ng maynila. They were in complete uniform all wearing whites. Was there a pinch of envy? There was none. I was sincerely happy to see them. She called though this pm also to inform me that they’ll watch a movie and brought up the topic again of enrolling me. Actually I refused a lot of times because I don’t want to have debts as of this time. It’s not the pride in me but the thought that I’ll have utang for the rest of the year makes me shiver. Not again. My last semester was full of utang and stuff.
Now what? i have made several mid year resolutions though. Now that I am not in school, I would do the following:
1. keep track of my expenses by doing a daily monitoring of expenses in my pc.
2. go to gym four times a week after office so as to avoid drinking.
3. open a new bank account and save a lot of money for next semester.
4. stop buying signature clothes ( undies not included)
5. avoid oily and fatty foods
6. limit drinking session to once or twice a week
7. religiously attend Sunday masses
8. good and responsible boyfriend
9. good and responsible son
10. lastly, God help me…
that’s enough. I may be asking too much from myself. Better than to have none at all, right? I am having chest pains again. I dunno if this is brought about by my asthma attacks or I am having b/p increase. With the rate things are going, I think I would not reach the age of 40 and not having a mild stroke. I was stunned by the news over kuya rey’s admittance to ICU because of mild stroke. He’s young and yet the killer hpn has started to visit him. I am bothered. It’s really high time to hit the gym. Promise. I’ll hit the gym this week and onwards. i’ll cut my carb intake also in the same way that I’ll complement it with more fiber and anti hpn milk ( I saw the commercial about anti hpn milk by nestle).
It’s past 5 already. Time to go home. My friends and colleague has started to drift away. Well, bye for now. I’ll update you tomorrow. Wish me luck on my mid year resolution….
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
my being a third party is still on going if you would like to ask. do i still enjoy the thrill it gives? to be honest, NO. i am beginning to think and lately i have come to realize that this is what they call momentary happiness. i can't blame bel for not helping me at what im thinking but i have to find myself also. the road to where i want it to lead is exactly the opposite of what she's taking. i may have cried a lot of times for spilled beans and stuff but i hope this time God will just give me the courage to face what i have to face. yeah, i am starting to doubt now. doubt of her love for me and doubt that this thing will never get somewhere. it hurts to know that i invested so much emotion into my devotion for her and all and i can't see any light on the end of the tunnel. it pains me to realize that i was stupid and that i was an idiot for believing in things that are not to come. i was hopeless romantic for a while. i was a dreamer and believer of things that are impossible. i could never get what i want.
unfair it is. though i know that it would never come to this as i swore to heaven and earth of my endless love for her, human as we are, we sometimes bump and realize that hey dude, there's a life out there. you could find someone better.
i admit i am still in love with bel. last weekend was so wonderful for both of us. but then after that, there was this emptiness again because she is not by your side and you know you have to share her with someone else. last sunday when she left me in the pensione house, i was thinking that man there would really come a time that this woman will leave me at the middle of nowhere. after she left, i stayed for almost two hours just contemplating of what has become of me. why i am alone in that room? why did she left me? it hurts that she left but she never saw a trace of sadness in my face that time. i pretended i loved what i was eating then at tapa king before she went home. the moment she left, loneliness crept in. God, i was so devastated. if not for some friends who are there willing to comfort me i would have been ashes for now.
but what can i do. i am just a third party who is just contented with the little time she has for me. i could drown the room with my tears and nothing will happen to this kind of relationship. i could light a million candles over and over again and nothing will happen to this kind of relationship. i could kneel from the church door til the altar and nothing will happen to this kind of relationship. i could peel all the oranges that God created and nothing will happen to this kind of relationship.
i'll never find the right girl for me. heaven and earth will never hear my prayers. i'll forever be damned. i'll forever be searching...
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Monday, April 17, 2006
the holy week never became a holy one for me ever since i discovered the joys of travelling during this time of the year. i think for six straight years now, ive been out partying and having a wild fun during these days. i could still recall one "sabado de gloria" way back 2002 when i did a real orgasmic "gloria" thing at the early morning of saturday...ahh those wild days.
this time, 2006, puerto galera it is. we left at 1 am in the morning of thursday. buendia bus terminal was bustling with a lot of local tourist waiting for their companions to arrive and leave althogether. it was waiting time for the night mode sisters (shyraz and puddy) because shine and chai2 and bvhoy arrived there 15 minutes past 12. way too early for the 1 pm agreement. on the dot, the night mode sisters arrived. we hurriedly looked for our bus bound for batangas pier. after some exchanges of panlalait jokes, the group were all asleep. though it was freezing cold inside, i still manage to catch some sleep. probably because we downed three san mig lights back in the squatters area where i live (yep, we just sat outside a small variety store and drained those beers on our alcohol thirsty throats).
before reaching batangas port, the air conditioning system of the bus was intolerable i could not contain myself with just one position. i was so uneasy because the cold felt like it was biting even my armpit. whew...good thing in a lil while the port beaconed. at 3:30 in the morning, batangas port was a sight to behold with all the local tourist falling in line to buy tickets bound for galera. the crowd was homogenous though. seldom you will find a group of family bound for the island. mostly were cliques, barkadas, lovers trying to get away from the busy city life.
by 5:30, we were able to board the ferry bound for the island. it was still a little bit dark although you could see some traces of sun rays slowly coming out from the horizon. the wind is still cold and the jacket i brought was a big help. local tourist in the waiting area of the port (air conditioned at that) were way too organized and behaved. the paging system would announce the name of the boat and the time of departure and people would just proceed to the area quietly and peacefully.
from the waiting area to the boat moor was some 200 meters walk. while walking, i thought about some things that kept on bothering me for some time now. will this trip finally open up a realization for me? will i be able to lay on my back on the sand and watch and the sky for a vision to see? will i be able to find the answers in things i am looking for? will i be able to foresee the events that will unfold in the future? the much anticipated trip was just a get away for me. to spend the dead weekdays and weekend during this time and to see some sights. nothing more. but then again, as we journey in places new to our eyes, we always see some natural sights to behold. and on top of that is the realization that apart from what we see everyday, there are other things, places, people and ideas to see. the world is so big really. and so, i try to assess myself what i have become after the galera trip. it happened during the second nyt where i was able to lie on my back and see the moon and the stars with a san mig light bottle on my hand.
life is so full of surprises. twists and turns are mystery to embrace on and yet we love to cling on to the past and what were comfortable with before. while it have been too comfy for me to just embrace the conventional thing, i have ventured into the road less traveled and opted for a complicated journey. people may say i have been too stubborn. in fact my friends have articulated to me all those things several times. hard headed as i am, i still continued with the journey of which i know i dont have something to hold on to. i was fooled (could i consider the word?, i dont know) or should i say the appropriate term is i was mislead to believe that she will leave up to her promise. that fateful day came (march 21...whew it's almost a month) and the promise was drained to the gutter. was i hurt? i guess so. i was not able to blog for almost a month because i hated to pour out what i felt. i don't want to people to know what i felt. i just played with the rhythm of day to day activity then. i smiled like i was happy inside. i joked with the rest just like any ordinary day. i said my i love you's like nothing happened. but those nights never passed without shedding a tear. as the sun sets along the manila bay, so is the heavy feeling that i felt. it was so heavy even up to these days the pain and agony are all vivid. all heartfelt. i never sulked in one corner though. i would never let people know i was devastated for the first time in my whole damn sheltered life. i was good naturedly coping with it. my pillows at night has been a shelter. time and again, i would recall those things even in the middle of the night and find myself crying. my dreams turn into nightmares. and nightmares became frequent. it's not because i am afraid of threats. it's not because i am afraid of what would be the outcome if ever if did push through. it was simply because it did not materialize. life would never be the same again. wounds they say will always heal but it will leave a scar. a scar that will mark the tenets of my life forever.
the unfolding events after that fateful day even turned worse. i was not to text her. i was not to go near her. i was to pretend we are not together. i was to make it as if we are not connected. the worst part of it all is they went home together to meet her parents. stabbed by my own foolishness, i was drunk the entire week. at one point, i was so drunk and shouted at the top of my lungs over quiapo overpass to unleash the suppresed emotions. it felt good for a while. yeah it did. but still the pain was so stinging that it would not just go away. everyday. everyday. everyday. i am slowly being tortured to death day by day. the entire week was spent with friends even during the finals week. i was thankful with d' oisters for just being there always.
the big question is have i gotten over the feeling? the answer is still no. the wounds are still fresh and ripe. have my feelings changed? the answer is still no. i still feel the same way even if i am tortured like i never have human emotion. will i still be holding on? the answer is yes. for the mere reason that i love her i will continue to hold on. for the mere reason that i love her i will continue to feel the pain and agony. for the mere reason that life without her will never be the same i will continue to sacrifice.
the galera escapade thought me a lot. at one point during the stargazing hour, i wished for a falling star. but it never came. i just lay there on my back with my foot under the warm sand hoping for it to fall. half tipsy and almost sleepy head, the night just passed without the falling star. in fact it rained a little we have to relocate somewhere else to look for shades temporarily. probably it was never meant to be...
there are somethings i have to be thankful for the entire 4 days and 3 nights stay in galera. aside from the camaraderie which has been nurtured more with shy, puddy, shine, chai2 and bvhoy, it taught me a lot of things i have to be grateful for the rest of my life. the company of friends and the solace that i get, the goodness of the Lord above for always protecting and guiding me. good health and sound mind and a lot more. also, galera trip made me a better person. i understand that i could not everything in life that i want. now i know that the things we want are not the things God wants us to have. contentment is the word. i have to be thankful for any little things that get in the way. we learn from them and sometimes they are lessons to be treasured upon.
blessings come in handful though. for one, friends has become my source of strength. bvhoy and shy has been a big help. really really big HELP. and so i am writing this particular blog to thank these two people who have been real close to me lately.
hey, buhoy, i thank you for the great friendship. the least person i would imagine that i would get along well is you. but hey, look at us now and shy. we're a triangle ayt? like i said, i am not used to talking with what i feel especially with what is happening between me and bel but i was way too comfortable talking about my little triumphs, misunderstanding with her, and anything just about under the sun. your unsolicited advice struck me a lot of times (remember when you told me that i have to think more about what im doing but im not just thinking because i continue to be foolish and wants to be one). it sent me to the thinking machine though a lot of times also. up to this day, i just continue to pretend to be not thinking but in truth i did some searching already. at one point i told you that we almost started together (you with jen and me with bel) and although i still hold on to my complicated relationship, you opted to end yours in a rather complicated way also. so much hullabaloo came along though with the courting with jen (shy and me were involved) but we jsut continued to hope that you'll finally end up together. remember the times when i was still on the visita iglesia thing and i would light candles for both of you (i wonder why where those prayers ended up). one thing i could not forget though is the trip to limcoma with shy. i was way too uncomfortable and terribly worried a commotion might happen between you and ramil but you were such a gentleman you just played along very well. geez, i salute you for that. i was more nervous than you then even you were red all over after kissing jen on the check. one more thing, the one you did with what's the name of the girl again...hehehe...yeah, it showed you're a mature person. the one day love affair that(i remember the line when you said, hey thirdy, what is the date today?...hehehe. of course it march 26 (am i right shy....). a lot of things have happened. we could never really tell what will become of us after a year or two. but just the same, we could say in the end that all were genuine feelings and we never fooled anybody. lastly, at the end of the day, the usual line would be ALAK PA OISTER....his royal wickedness, thank you so much and CHEERS to a lasting friendship...
ei shy, i could never thank you enough. words could not measure up how will i ever say my thank yous for you for just always being there. you are a great listener and you have so much compassion for your stupid and foolish friends like me and buhoy. lemme ask, do you have a mean bone? well i suggest you should have one sometimes so that you could also assert what you feel and what you want to do. but just the same, i love you for what you are. i hope you discard some pounds...kidding. where in the world could you find a person who is so kind, so sweet (now you know where the SWEET OISTER came from) and so loving and giving. bottom line so prone to being abused...hehehe. i thank you for being so maasikaso and so caring for your oisters. i hope i had a sister like you too because i never had one.
whew, i am being so emotional right now. i am thinking that since i could not tell this to you guys in person (remember mahiyain din ako minsan ang alam ko lang magiging mean in person) although alam nyo naman mabait ako inside out..hehehe. common, just give me a thumbs up sign, all right, i chose to write it here. as my mom says, im good in writing than in speaking cos she said i have dagger mind and sharp toungue. dats not true ryt buhoy? hehehe. okay now, i admit sometimes id rather keep my mouth shut.
lastly, i still hope my march 21 would come true. buhoy, try to contact aling norma again okay...with your plans naman, il look for a fake minister also to do yours. as for mine, it should be legal and binding okay. hahaha
til here...hey shy and buhoy you can post your comments here too if you like.