first day of work….
first day it is. the last days of the year closed somewhat melancholic and twist of joy for me. if I have to look back and analyze things that happened to me, it’s “pinakbet” in the menu. too much and too many just passed my eyesight in passing I could not contain almost everything except for some important and good things that is.
the problem with me is that when im beset with too much happiness, I tend to be laxed and lazy and procrastinate a lot. which explains why I was not able to blog for two straight months. disgusting of me.
First, I was in love this past months. Well, up until this time. Mad and crazy as I was, I called it off with my previous relationship and ventured into an uncertain future. And up until this time, im still hoping things would turn out right for me. I mean, I hope I was not wrong with my decision to finally take time and examine what I really wanted in life.
christmas was memorable to me. Although I was not able to spend it on the eve of Christmas time with bel, we were together on the 25th. It was a blast. We went to st. francis church for the afternoon Christmas mass. Together, before the mass we lighted a candle and said our prayers. Silent prayers. I, btw, lighted four candles. I even took pictures of it and published it in my friendster account. One for her, the other one for my family, the other one for my friends and the last one for my career and schooling.
The positive energy and the optimistic me always believe that the flames would carry my prayers to the lord that he will grant those. Sana nga…
The new year just breezed through uneventful for me. I was depressed the whole day of 31st. I was alone at home. I just TV and eat. There were no special food on the table since I was alone. My bro and his family went to somewhere else I dunno. Good thing bel called up at 8 pm. I was elated even for a bit. Then after that, I just slept. Woke up at 12 because of the noisy neighborhood and to call bel. I told her in our prior conversation that I need to call her on the eve of new year and that she’s required to answer it so that for the rest of the year we’ll be talking with each other. Well, those superstitious beliefs. I hope it would just work out.
The end of the year also ushered in some bad news for me and my friends. Gina was terminated while albie and shine are on the evaluation list. I was not included in the list but my evaluation score I betcha is way down below. Too bad for us forbiddens. Me and my friends just celebrated the end of the year in amnesiacs. Just like good ol times, funny conversations and laughter dominated the entire night. We went home rather drunk but satisfied that the year ended with all of us still together.
We were not complete though that time. And I think it would be hard again for us to assemble the forbiddens again now that gina is not with us anymore. Albie on the other hand is considering of transferring to other office. meanwhile, les and gina are at odds with each other because of what happened to her. I am just saddened that the year opened in a wrong course for my friends. I could not help but wonder whether things are just they seem to be so that we will find our own paths. And so gina and jen ive heard is considering the thoughts of migrating to dubai. Im saddened again. But I guess it’s the best for them. On the other hand, im equally happy that they would find their niche in this world. When someone comes, someone goes or I mean if someone leaves, I always has this feeling that something good would turn out also. The optimistic me again. Who will be left then? Me, bvhoy and shine. Well, not for a long time also. Eventually, shine will be leaving too. In the end, I think bvhoy will be left here in this office.
I admit. I have been attached so much to my friends that I feel for them. For no reason at all, I would just cry when they cry. When they asked me why I am crying, I told them I just help them cry because ive got nothing to say at all. It’s not because I could relate since I am contented with what I have right now. Well, with bel beside me I would not ask for more. She’s everything to me and with her im complete. Once during a drinking session, I was caught off guard again crying with them. They seem to have so many problems. mostly about love and understanding and family and stuff. The bottom line of it all, life is not normal and for some, there has to be some extraordinary things that we have to experience.
When I am alone (sorry for the interruption, bel just called. We’ll be meeting at 5:30 in gateway mamya), I would normally sort things out and think about how far have I gone in terms of what I want to achieve in life and how would I fare I somebody is to rate me whether I have become a good son, a good brother, a good friend, a good employee or a good boyfriend. I could not find the answers though. I don’t have the courage either to ask my friends because I am afraid of what they might answer.
And so I leave it that way. Let things take its turn and hope that for every people that I encounter in life, I hope that I made something good for them and not just wickedness that usually pops on my mind.
A while ago, I was chatting with jen. We have talked a lot of things already when bvhoy (that’s her manliligaw) passed by my table. Then I told him I was chatting with jen since I was enjoying our short talks about just anything else. And so bvhoy browsed our messages. At first he was happy to see those naughty things were talking about. I thought that jen for a while stopped replying to my messages when suddenly at the end she was already talking about not just having a boyfriend but a husband. I haven’t seen it first. Bvoy did because he was the one holding my mouse. and so I saw his shoulders went pfftt after seeing those messages. It was not intentional on my part to let him see those. I was too devastated also that for him to read it with all his efforts toward jen, it was not just fitting. You see, I saw how in love he is and see his sincerity. Kawawa naman…Here’s the full transcript of our conversation
t_h_i_r_d2005: hapi new year....
t_h_i_r_d2005: jan ka lang sa may desk mo eh....kitako eh...nu ga?
purple_614blue: wala kumain ako eh
t_h_i_r_d2005: ngiti naman jan...:):):)
t_h_i_r_d2005: kelangan ang mga in love nakangiti..:):):):)
t_h_i_r_d2005: tingnan mo ang tao dun sa loob....
t_h_i_r_d2005: tsaka si shine nakangiti din...
t_h_i_r_d2005: si ramil ba jan naka ngiti din..? :):):)
purple_614blue: aba at kanino naman si shine?????
purple_614blue: si ramil and2 sa ofc ko
t_h_i_r_d2005: si shine madami yan papa...:):):)
t_h_i_r_d2005: parang ikaw dami ding callers...heheheh
purple_614blue: ganon? dami din ako callers?
purple_614blue: hinde naman eh
purple_614blue: ligawin lng ako hehehe
t_h_i_r_d2005: dami daw...:):) natatapon nga daw mga kape nyo dun..heheheh
purple_614blue: happy new year daw sbi ni ramil
t_h_i_r_d2005: heheheh....sabihin ba don....nu ga pangga?
t_h_i_r_d2005: happy new year din kamo sa lahat ng mga officemates mo jan...
t_h_i_r_d2005: abangan kamo nila ang isang truck na roses ni bvhoy ipapadala jan...:)"):)
purple_614blue: ipinakilala ko sya sa mga ofc mates ko
purple_614blue: nagkwentuhan nba kau?
t_h_i_r_d2005: eh di alam na nila tungkol sa inyo at bvhoy? uyyyyyyyyyyy
t_h_i_r_d2005: ano naman sabi nila?
purple_614blue: as usual selos to d max ke ramil
t_h_i_r_d2005: boto na ba sila?
purple_614blue: kasi gumimik mga ofc mates ko dat nyt eh lapit lng sa bustop yun place na ginimikan nila kaya dun ko siya inintay
purple_614blue: hinde nila alam hehehehe
t_h_i_r_d2005: bat di mo pina alam?
t_h_i_r_d2005: bad ka....:):):)
purple_614blue: akbayan daw ba naman ako ni bvhoy pagkarating habang naglalakad kme papasok sa bar
purple_614blue: hinde nla alm na magkakaribal sila hehehehe
purple_614blue: hahahaha joke!
t_h_i_r_d2005: very good na bata ari eh...
purple_614blue: baka magsuntukan sila dun eh mananalo si bvhoy kasi hinde sya lasing hehehe
t_h_i_r_d2005: alam ba ni ramil?
t_h_i_r_d2005: alam ba ni ramil na mahal mo si bvhoy?
purple_614blue: tpos kaya bumanat ng inom si bvhoy nun tnghali kasi kausap ko plagi si ramil sa cp
purple_614blue: plagi ako tinatwagan eh
t_h_i_r_d2005: nagseselos din...
t_h_i_r_d2005: call center ka din pala...
t_h_i_r_d2005: eh si laurence tumawag din?
purple_614blue: galit nga si bvhoy sbi ko bkit ka nggalit ala ka naman karapatan
purple_614blue: ayun bumanat ng bili ng redhorse
t_h_i_r_d2005: 6 na grande daw inubos eh...
t_h_i_r_d2005: eh syempre pag ako naman selos din ako...
purple_614blue: tumatwag si laurence nun gbi na hintay ko si bvhoy
purple_614blue: eh tinamad ako sagutin kasi naman antgal nya makipag usap
purple_614blue: pti po sau selos si bvhoy sobra
purple_614blue: prang tanga
t_h_i_r_d2005: di nagseselos yun skin....
t_h_i_r_d2005: kela ramil at laurence lang at kung sino pa dyan...
purple_614blue: ayun as usual hinde naman ako inom kundi 2 shot lng
purple_614blue: si milner ang lasing hehehe
purple_614blue: oo nagseselos tlga sau
purple_614blue: inamin nya sken eh
purple_614blue: bkit daw puro nlng ako yrel yrel yrel
t_h_i_r_d2005: nagbibiro lang yun...
t_h_i_r_d2005: nagpapalambing lang sayo...
purple_614blue: eh di iniba ko pangga pangga pangga naman hehehehe
purple_614blue: aba at nagselos pa rin
t_h_i_r_d2005: gusto nya kse lagi naka lagay ulo mo sa balikat nya...
purple_614blue: pati txt ko sau knina am na rong send sa knya bkit daw pa kiss kiss pko sau hehehe
t_h_i_r_d2005: wrong send ka?
purple_614blue: ganon? gusto nya plagi yung gestures na yun???nakalagay ulo sa balikat nya? nawili hahahaha!
t_h_i_r_d2005: oo daw. gusto nya..hehehehe
purple_614blue: oo na rong send ako
t_h_i_r_d2005: nawiwili ang lolo mo..hehehe
purple_614blue: txtback sken eh pa kis kis pa daw ako eh
purple_614blue: oo kainaman...
purple_614blue: tapos pag uwi txt sken hinde ba pd tayo na katawa ko ah!
purple_614blue: demanding agad!
t_h_i_r_d2005: anong sagot mo?
t_h_i_r_d2005: eh kse nga un ang mission ko sa kanya dun...
t_h_i_r_d2005: di ba nagtagumpay?
purple_614blue: kinukwento nya sau un?
purple_614blue: walang maisekreto dun ah
t_h_i_r_d2005: di pa kami nag kwentuhan...
t_h_i_r_d2005: di naman nagkwekwento skin un eh...
t_h_i_r_d2005: ano ga?
purple_614blue: wala naman ikkwento eh
purple_614blue: alangan naman ikwento nya yung pagseselois nya
t_h_i_r_d2005: hayaan mo mamya sabihin ko sa kanya bat sya magseselos skin....
purple_614blue: musta na jan?
purple_614blue: text mo ba nmn si gina?
t_h_i_r_d2005: eto kalungkot eh. tatlo lang kami ni shne at bvhoy dito...
t_h_i_r_d2005: ala si les, gina at bie
t_h_i_r_d2005: di sya nag rereply eh
purple_614blue: oo sbihan mo
t_h_i_r_d2005: galit din ata pati sa amin...
purple_614blue: ganon? kelan bblik si bie?
purple_614blue: sympre si gina hinde na babalik
t_h_i_r_d2005: di ko alam eh...
t_h_i_r_d2005: nga eh kaya malungkot...
t_h_i_r_d2005: ano daw plano ni gina?
purple_614blue: ke les lng galit
t_h_i_r_d2005: i see
t_h_i_r_d2005: kala ko pati sa amin...
purple_614blue: mag aabroad kme ni mare
t_h_i_r_d2005: mas mabuti pa....
t_h_i_r_d2005: mauna na kayo...
t_h_i_r_d2005: sunod na lang ako...
purple_614blue: tampo lng sya ke les
purple_614blue: kaya nga itxt mo mn lng
t_h_i_r_d2005: okies text ko sya...
purple_614blue: ala naman siguro rison pra magalit sa inyo di ba?
t_h_i_r_d2005: nga eh...
purple_614blue: ssunod ka smeneh dubai lng kme
t_h_i_r_d2005: japan ako eh..hehehehe
t_h_i_r_d2005: pano si bvhoy iiwan mo na?
purple_614blue: eh ano magagawa kung hinde iiwan si bvhoy
purple_614blue: wla mngyayari pag puro pgmmhal lng
t_h_i_r_d2005: isama mo na din...
t_h_i_r_d2005: para masaya...
purple_614blue: sya muna kaya mauna para mas masaya
purple_614blue: paliwanagan mo din yung frend mo ha
purple_614blue: hinde basta basta bf bf lng ang gusto ko eh
t_h_i_r_d2005: ayaw ko..baka mag barag na naman....
t_h_i_r_d2005: malinis na ako sa alak since 31 kse di me uminom. kelangan tuloy tuloy to....
purple_614blue: asus...ewan ko kung magtuloy tuloy
t_h_i_r_d2005: nag promise ako sa sarili ko khit 1 month baka kaya ko..:):)
purple_614blue: ewan ko lng ako naman ang magsisimba ke raha sulayman hahahahaha!
t_h_i_r_d2005: baka ang kalalabasan nito tayong tatlo ni bvhoy ang sasamba kay rajah...
purple_614blue: tau lng 2 ang kaya ko i sure hehehehe
t_h_i_r_d2005: wag mo ko hamonin pangga? :):)
t_h_i_r_d2005: tayong tatlo na....
purple_614blue: dko tlga ma sure yung ke bvhoy eh
purple_614blue: dami ko kinoconsider
purple_614blue: pag bf bf lng din at maghihiwalay lng din in the end wag nlng at akoy tlgang napapagod na
purple_614blue: asawa po ang klngan ko
purple_614blue has signed out. (1/2/2006 12:56 PM)
you know what saddens me in all of these is that I am seeing two people in love but then they could not commit to each other because of circumstances beyond their grasp. Its heartbreaking also that I am hoping and expecting something good will come out and then suddenly you see some signs that there is falling out because of circumstances and not because they fall out of love. It’s heart rending that you wish them happiness and yet it seem to elude them. If I could only be play God, I would have spread my powers for both bvhoy and jen that they would finally end up together and they would forget even for one moment that there are things to consider. Honestly, my heart bleeds for them and how I ache that they could be together in the same way that I would love to marry bel right now.
There are a lot of “if only”. until when I will be saying this to myself? Until when I would stop questioning what is happening around me? Until when?
I know that jen loves bvhoy too. And bvhoy’s love for jen is unquestionable. Now if I could play cupid for these two I would have struck them with my arrow a long time ago. But I am not I wish I could be. Emotions and choices are involved. I hope that everything would just turn out right for them. I just hope. Well, Ive included them in my prayers when I lighted a candle at st. francis chapel. I hope God would hear my prayers and they will end up together.