Thursday, April 20, 2006

there is nothing for me..

there could never be another form or true stupidity. though they come in all forms and in different packages, they are cloaked in one and the same mask. in time, true colors will come out. time may stand still if we manipulate it but never the setting sun and the rays of the morning light.
the passing days has been so full of highs and lows. just last night i was ecstatic over some things and someone i just met and then at this very moment, im depressed again. am i into a deja vu again? there were a lot of instances before when i would feel this way when the sun would come done and touch the horizon of the sea. it's as if my heart and feeling comes with the setting of the sun. ironic that for several days now, i've been out of town for some field work and i would not feel this way. today however is different. have i pained someone that i feel this way? did i unleash my sarcastic side again? was i tolerant of what is happening around me? i don't know.
the other day, or should i say the other night, i was on my usual drinking mode session again. and so i was able to down more than seven bottles of lights. the day after, i was swearing to good heavens again that i would not take a sip of alcohol again because of the stinging head ache. i hope that i could maintain that for another week or so. but with the rate things are going i wish to God he would help me out. i hate this feeling. you dont know what is the reason why you're lonely. you don't know the reason why you feel this way. you don't know what is the happening around and you just play along with the tides of time. while my not so mediocre lifestyle has been on its peak these past weeks, my emotional upheavals has been going down the drains.
it's the day after i wrote what is above. and as usual it's getting darker again. it's forty minutes past 4 already and its friday. i am sad again. the sadness fever usually bites me during this time of the day. too much happiness has its price to pay they say. while i was

Monday, April 17, 2006

bataan escapades, galera realizations and some other thoughts combined...

when insanity and indolence join forces and penetrate my system, my blog world suffers. it's been months after those one liners and im still on a lazy mode. truth to the fact is the bataan experience was not recorded en toto. i was just able to post some pix in my friendster account but failed to write about it in detail. for one, bel did not knew about it and secondly, there were only the three of us who knew about the trip. in capsule, the bataan experience was a blast since it's a beach setting again (talk about favorite places...)

the holy week never became a holy one for me ever since i discovered the joys of travelling during this time of the year. i think for six straight years now, ive been out partying and having a wild fun during these days. i could still recall one "sabado de gloria" way back 2002 when i did a real orgasmic "gloria" thing at the early morning of saturday...ahh those wild days.

this time, 2006, puerto galera it is. we left at 1 am in the morning of thursday. buendia bus terminal was bustling with a lot of local tourist waiting for their companions to arrive and leave althogether. it was waiting time for the night mode sisters (shyraz and puddy) because shine and chai2 and bvhoy arrived there 15 minutes past 12. way too early for the 1 pm agreement. on the dot, the night mode sisters arrived. we hurriedly looked for our bus bound for batangas pier. after some exchanges of panlalait jokes, the group were all asleep. though it was freezing cold inside, i still manage to catch some sleep. probably because we downed three san mig lights back in the squatters area where i live (yep, we just sat outside a small variety store and drained those beers on our alcohol thirsty throats).

before reaching batangas port, the air conditioning system of the bus was intolerable i could not contain myself with just one position. i was so uneasy because the cold felt like it was biting even my armpit. whew...good thing in a lil while the port beaconed. at 3:30 in the morning, batangas port was a sight to behold with all the local tourist falling in line to buy tickets bound for galera. the crowd was homogenous though. seldom you will find a group of family bound for the island. mostly were cliques, barkadas, lovers trying to get away from the busy city life.

by 5:30, we were able to board the ferry bound for the island. it was still a little bit dark although you could see some traces of sun rays slowly coming out from the horizon. the wind is still cold and the jacket i brought was a big help. local tourist in the waiting area of the port (air conditioned at that) were way too organized and behaved. the paging system would announce the name of the boat and the time of departure and people would just proceed to the area quietly and peacefully.

from the waiting area to the boat moor was some 200 meters walk. while walking, i thought about some things that kept on bothering me for some time now. will this trip finally open up a realization for me? will i be able to lay on my back on the sand and watch and the sky for a vision to see? will i be able to find the answers in things i am looking for? will i be able to foresee the events that will unfold in the future? the much anticipated trip was just a get away for me. to spend the dead weekdays and weekend during this time and to see some sights. nothing more. but then again, as we journey in places new to our eyes, we always see some natural sights to behold. and on top of that is the realization that apart from what we see everyday, there are other things, places, people and ideas to see. the world is so big really. and so, i try to assess myself what i have become after the galera trip. it happened during the second nyt where i was able to lie on my back and see the moon and the stars with a san mig light bottle on my hand.

life is so full of surprises. twists and turns are mystery to embrace on and yet we love to cling on to the past and what were comfortable with before. while it have been too comfy for me to just embrace the conventional thing, i have ventured into the road less traveled and opted for a complicated journey. people may say i have been too stubborn. in fact my friends have articulated to me all those things several times. hard headed as i am, i still continued with the journey of which i know i dont have something to hold on to. i was fooled (could i consider the word?, i dont know) or should i say the appropriate term is i was mislead to believe that she will leave up to her promise. that fateful day came (march 21...whew it's almost a month) and the promise was drained to the gutter. was i hurt? i guess so. i was not able to blog for almost a month because i hated to pour out what i felt. i don't want to people to know what i felt. i just played with the rhythm of day to day activity then. i smiled like i was happy inside. i joked with the rest just like any ordinary day. i said my i love you's like nothing happened. but those nights never passed without shedding a tear. as the sun sets along the manila bay, so is the heavy feeling that i felt. it was so heavy even up to these days the pain and agony are all vivid. all heartfelt. i never sulked in one corner though. i would never let people know i was devastated for the first time in my whole damn sheltered life. i was good naturedly coping with it. my pillows at night has been a shelter. time and again, i would recall those things even in the middle of the night and find myself crying. my dreams turn into nightmares. and nightmares became frequent. it's not because i am afraid of threats. it's not because i am afraid of what would be the outcome if ever if did push through. it was simply because it did not materialize. life would never be the same again. wounds they say will always heal but it will leave a scar. a scar that will mark the tenets of my life forever.

the unfolding events after that fateful day even turned worse. i was not to text her. i was not to go near her. i was to pretend we are not together. i was to make it as if we are not connected. the worst part of it all is they went home together to meet her parents. stabbed by my own foolishness, i was drunk the entire week. at one point, i was so drunk and shouted at the top of my lungs over quiapo overpass to unleash the suppresed emotions. it felt good for a while. yeah it did. but still the pain was so stinging that it would not just go away. everyday. everyday. everyday. i am slowly being tortured to death day by day. the entire week was spent with friends even during the finals week. i was thankful with d' oisters for just being there always.

the big question is have i gotten over the feeling? the answer is still no. the wounds are still fresh and ripe. have my feelings changed? the answer is still no. i still feel the same way even if i am tortured like i never have human emotion. will i still be holding on? the answer is yes. for the mere reason that i love her i will continue to hold on. for the mere reason that i love her i will continue to feel the pain and agony. for the mere reason that life without her will never be the same i will continue to sacrifice.

the galera escapade thought me a lot. at one point during the stargazing hour, i wished for a falling star. but it never came. i just lay there on my back with my foot under the warm sand hoping for it to fall. half tipsy and almost sleepy head, the night just passed without the falling star. in fact it rained a little we have to relocate somewhere else to look for shades temporarily. probably it was never meant to be...

there are somethings i have to be thankful for the entire 4 days and 3 nights stay in galera. aside from the camaraderie which has been nurtured more with shy, puddy, shine, chai2 and bvhoy, it taught me a lot of things i have to be grateful for the rest of my life. the company of friends and the solace that i get, the goodness of the Lord above for always protecting and guiding me. good health and sound mind and a lot more. also, galera trip made me a better person. i understand that i could not everything in life that i want. now i know that the things we want are not the things God wants us to have. contentment is the word. i have to be thankful for any little things that get in the way. we learn from them and sometimes they are lessons to be treasured upon.

blessings come in handful though. for one, friends has become my source of strength. bvhoy and shy has been a big help. really really big HELP. and so i am writing this particular blog to thank these two people who have been real close to me lately.

hey, buhoy, i thank you for the great friendship. the least person i would imagine that i would get along well is you. but hey, look at us now and shy. we're a triangle ayt? like i said, i am not used to talking with what i feel especially with what is happening between me and bel but i was way too comfortable talking about my little triumphs, misunderstanding with her, and anything just about under the sun. your unsolicited advice struck me a lot of times (remember when you told me that i have to think more about what im doing but im not just thinking because i continue to be foolish and wants to be one). it sent me to the thinking machine though a lot of times also. up to this day, i just continue to pretend to be not thinking but in truth i did some searching already. at one point i told you that we almost started together (you with jen and me with bel) and although i still hold on to my complicated relationship, you opted to end yours in a rather complicated way also. so much hullabaloo came along though with the courting with jen (shy and me were involved) but we jsut continued to hope that you'll finally end up together. remember the times when i was still on the visita iglesia thing and i would light candles for both of you (i wonder why where those prayers ended up). one thing i could not forget though is the trip to limcoma with shy. i was way too uncomfortable and terribly worried a commotion might happen between you and ramil but you were such a gentleman you just played along very well. geez, i salute you for that. i was more nervous than you then even you were red all over after kissing jen on the check. one more thing, the one you did with what's the name of the girl again...hehehe...yeah, it showed you're a mature person. the one day love affair that(i remember the line when you said, hey thirdy, what is the date today?...hehehe. of course it march 26 (am i right shy....). a lot of things have happened. we could never really tell what will become of us after a year or two. but just the same, we could say in the end that all were genuine feelings and we never fooled anybody. lastly, at the end of the day, the usual line would be ALAK PA OISTER....his royal wickedness, thank you so much and CHEERS to a lasting friendship...

ei shy, i could never thank you enough. words could not measure up how will i ever say my thank yous for you for just always being there. you are a great listener and you have so much compassion for your stupid and foolish friends like me and buhoy. lemme ask, do you have a mean bone? well i suggest you should have one sometimes so that you could also assert what you feel and what you want to do. but just the same, i love you for what you are. i hope you discard some pounds...kidding. where in the world could you find a person who is so kind, so sweet (now you know where the SWEET OISTER came from) and so loving and giving. bottom line so prone to being abused...hehehe. i thank you for being so maasikaso and so caring for your oisters. i hope i had a sister like you too because i never had one.

whew, i am being so emotional right now. i am thinking that since i could not tell this to you guys in person (remember mahiyain din ako minsan ang alam ko lang magiging mean in person) although alam nyo naman mabait ako inside out..hehehe. common, just give me a thumbs up sign, all right, i chose to write it here. as my mom says, im good in writing than in speaking cos she said i have dagger mind and sharp toungue. dats not true ryt buhoy? hehehe. okay now, i admit sometimes id rather keep my mouth shut.

lastly, i still hope my march 21 would come true. buhoy, try to contact aling norma again okay...with your plans naman, il look for a fake minister also to do yours. as for mine, it should be legal and binding okay. hahaha

til here...hey shy and buhoy you can post your comments here too if you like.