Wednesday, May 31, 2006

summer has come and gone...

the end of summer finally beacons. the summer season ushered in a lot of memorable things for me. some i could not write it here for reasons i will not divulge and some would gain a little credit. to sum it all, it was a BLAST. though on some occasions i would literally wallow in one corner for reasons i dont know at all, there are momentous highs that has virtually made me extremely happy.

my being a third party is still on going if you would like to ask. do i still enjoy the thrill it gives? to be honest, NO. i am beginning to think and lately i have come to realize that this is what they call momentary happiness. i can't blame bel for not helping me at what im thinking but i have to find myself also. the road to where i want it to lead is exactly the opposite of what she's taking. i may have cried a lot of times for spilled beans and stuff but i hope this time God will just give me the courage to face what i have to face. yeah, i am starting to doubt now. doubt of her love for me and doubt that this thing will never get somewhere. it hurts to know that i invested so much emotion into my devotion for her and all and i can't see any light on the end of the tunnel. it pains me to realize that i was stupid and that i was an idiot for believing in things that are not to come. i was hopeless romantic for a while. i was a dreamer and believer of things that are impossible. i could never get what i want.

unfair it is. though i know that it would never come to this as i swore to heaven and earth of my endless love for her, human as we are, we sometimes bump and realize that hey dude, there's a life out there. you could find someone better.

i admit i am still in love with bel. last weekend was so wonderful for both of us. but then after that, there was this emptiness again because she is not by your side and you know you have to share her with someone else. last sunday when she left me in the pensione house, i was thinking that man there would really come a time that this woman will leave me at the middle of nowhere. after she left, i stayed for almost two hours just contemplating of what has become of me. why i am alone in that room? why did she left me? it hurts that she left but she never saw a trace of sadness in my face that time. i pretended i loved what i was eating then at tapa king before she went home. the moment she left, loneliness crept in. God, i was so devastated. if not for some friends who are there willing to comfort me i would have been ashes for now.

but what can i do. i am just a third party who is just contented with the little time she has for me. i could drown the room with my tears and nothing will happen to this kind of relationship. i could light a million candles over and over again and nothing will happen to this kind of relationship. i could kneel from the church door til the altar and nothing will happen to this kind of relationship. i could peel all the oranges that God created and nothing will happen to this kind of relationship.

fuck....

fuck...

fuck...

i'll never find the right girl for me. heaven and earth will never hear my prayers. i'll forever be damned. i'll forever be searching...

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