Monday, June 19, 2006

aneurysm and realizations

I too had my share of uncertainties over certain things. Actually, over a lot of things. If I am to assess in perspective what has become of me right now vis-à-vis of the things I thought I would be, it is a far cry from what I imagined. While I savor every moment that come my way be it uncanny and bland, I have this attitude to take things for granted and let the moment pass by. Some though has been a blast while others overwhelmed me nonetheless. Majority, however, brought pain, loneliness and frustrations. Accepting the fact that life is not a bed of roses, the thought in the same way that life isn’t showered with thorns makes me think that somehow, we all deserve a tinge of happiness.

All right, I am sad right now. I have a heavy heart again. Both physically and emotionally. Occasionally, this feeling creeps from nowhere and would just grip me when the sun begins to set in the afternoon. Then, I would feel the rush inside me as if my b/p is shooting to 150/120 again. I would feel uneasy and I would think and remember lots of things. I would be analytical of situations and begin to be critical about things, happenings, relationships and facts as well.

over the weekend, bel visited me in my new rented place. We spent the whole day watching tv. Surfing every channel she could muster and eventually end up in bed tired and satisfied. For the past weeks now, that has been the routine. She would visit me, eat good food and have sex after. Renting a private place for me has been a good decision now that I stopped schooling. I have regrets though that I wasn’t able to enroll but then I think that’s it’s God’s will that I will not be in school this semester. I am just keeping my fingers crossed that I will still have the zeal and enthusiasm to enroll next semester.

While it is unnecessary to mention this, bel, rhea and jen visited me this morning (we ate breakfast at pal) because they had an orientation in ospital ng maynila. They were in complete uniform all wearing whites. Was there a pinch of envy? There was none. I was sincerely happy to see them. She called though this pm also to inform me that they’ll watch a movie and brought up the topic again of enrolling me. Actually I refused a lot of times because I don’t want to have debts as of this time. It’s not the pride in me but the thought that I’ll have utang for the rest of the year makes me shiver. Not again. My last semester was full of utang and stuff.

Now what? i have made several mid year resolutions though. Now that I am not in school, I would do the following:

1. keep track of my expenses by doing a daily monitoring of expenses in my pc.
2. go to gym four times a week after office so as to avoid drinking.
3. open a new bank account and save a lot of money for next semester.
4. stop buying signature clothes ( undies not included)
5. avoid oily and fatty foods
6. limit drinking session to once or twice a week
7. religiously attend Sunday masses
8. good and responsible boyfriend
9. good and responsible son
10. lastly, God help me…

that’s enough. I may be asking too much from myself. Better than to have none at all, right? I am having chest pains again. I dunno if this is brought about by my asthma attacks or I am having b/p increase. With the rate things are going, I think I would not reach the age of 40 and not having a mild stroke. I was stunned by the news over kuya rey’s admittance to ICU because of mild stroke. He’s young and yet the killer hpn has started to visit him. I am bothered. It’s really high time to hit the gym. Promise. I’ll hit the gym this week and onwards. i’ll cut my carb intake also in the same way that I’ll complement it with more fiber and anti hpn milk ( I saw the commercial about anti hpn milk by nestle).

It’s past 5 already. Time to go home. My friends and colleague has started to drift away. Well, bye for now. I’ll update you tomorrow. Wish me luck on my mid year resolution….