Saturday, August 12, 2006

crossroads...

im on a crossroad right now. i am compelled to take the road i must but the pull on the other is too tempting to resist. it saddens me though that i have to choose and i perfectly know what road to take. there has been emptiness in me for the past months after learning that i will finally settle down in a month or two. truth to the matter is i lost some pounds. i am slowly shedding off the fats on my abs as well as the muscles i gained before. i lack sleep and and could not eat properly even in front of good food. i lost my appetite actually. i really dunno what is the real reason except that i am just bothered by the thought that finally i will be a father. truth to tell, before i was damned excited to become one. i dunno that suddenly i am having doubts whether i could start a family and provide for my first baby.

while my application in PEZA is making progress i am beginning to see a brighter future for me and my family. ive crossed my fingers a lot of times and had asked the inercession of my friends and family to help me pray for the job. i hope God would hear my prayers.

why am i writing now? wha't wrong with me? actually, i should not be acting this way now that i have the full assurance that she'll gonna marry me and live with me eventually. then, why i am so much in a quandary? i feel like im crushed into pieces. i feel like somebody just pressed me to the walll and my whole being is being stripped of peace of mind. i feel like some person has violated me and that i could only expect for the worst. im not saying that i didnt saw it coming. actually with the closeness we had, i feel that we're going overboard. which i hope did not happen to me because im devastated to think that this will slip away. god, please no. please...

i am publishing this piece of me today to show how lonesome and sad i am over some petty things.

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