Monday, September 25, 2006

sleeping very late..

last night was a torment. I almost drifted to sleep I guess past three in the morning. Sleep seems to elude. While my mind was wide awake my body does not seem to coordinate. And so I have a puffy eyes and I feel like it’s full of sand it’s so annoying. I know that last night was a night full of realizations and resolutions too. It was too long a night. I started to lie low at eleven which means that it took me four hours to finally get the sleep that I need.

I thought abut lots of things. About me and bel. Me and bvhoy and shy. My family. My studies and my career as well. I may be good at writing down things I will do but I am extra slow in implementing them. Worst I forgot about what should be the best thing to do when my heart overwhelms my mind. Stupidity is innate in me I suppose.

While at it, I also thought that maybe it’s because of the red bull that was given for free when I paid pure gold a visit yesterday at three in the afternoon. But for god sake its effects must have done wonders on me since I am not easily downed by those energy drink. And now I realize that maybe I just have a lot of thinking to do. Maybe God wants me to think and stop on doing stupid things.

First on the line, my craziness over shy and bvhoy whom I could not resist the impulse to go with them when they invite me for a drink or dinner or whatever they have in mind. I’ve been so attached with these two people that my day has been patterned to wake up and sleep talking and texting them. When I don’t get a prompt reply I’d get depressed and wallow in a lot of things. I wonder if they feel the same way I do if I don’t text them at all. Maybe not or maybe yes. But the point is I can’t move on because I would usually fit in what ever impromptu decisions they would make. I have stalled several appointments so that I could go with them and look what I feel. With a heavy heart I would end up usually alone during night time and blame myself for what I feel. I don’t like the feeling that every night time and morning I would feel like this. I mean with a heavy heart because of some unsolved issues and thoughts that I am so paranoid.

There are times when I do get a reply from bvhoy and it comes off with arrogance and back-off-thing-feel which I would normally ignore and would still reply cordially. The good hearted in me still penetrates within and goes out a long way. Sometimes though I would shot back with arrogance though so that I’d feel well also. It helps sometimes but most of the time I am devastated. Really devastated that I cant sanely.

It happened just after my transfer in my new office that he always treats me like this. Although there was one time (that was last Thursday) that he was trying to redeem himself for all the bad things he has done to me by inviting me to go in mall of asia to have coffee. Shy didn’t make it though and so we spent the evening until eight catching up on some things. After which we went to the bar in buendia where shy is working so that there’ll be three of use again. The oisters ya know. Shy arrived a little before eleven and so we did practically shared the whole night eating and drinking. It felt good after since I know for a while that I haven’t lose a friend yet.

But the pattern goes back when we don’t see each other. And so I have resolved that I wont text them even and I’ll make some space between us so that they will realize for a time that it hurts to be so rude and so mean. I hope I could hold on to my resolution. God help me…

Bel and I seem to have a going on also. While she hibernated for three straight days without bothering to look where I am, I was also devastated and I have cried several times over what is happening on me. that explains why I doubly feel bad. Last weekend during her conjugal visit to me she evades the questions that I would throw at her. She’d always say that she has been sleeping most of the time and that a terrible headache bugged her during the week. While I would not believe her justification, I could not help but just accept it without further question anymore. The stupid and cowardice in me again. And so we ended up in bed the whole afternoon which was a blast after two weeks without having sex. It felt good and it was a wild one you only get to see in movies. Talk of porn star material. And so after she left, I was alone again thinking and contemplating on a lot of things. Last night took its toll that I thought about things I never would have thought before. Like I would pretend as her nephew and would investigate over the phone and spy her around in the camp if she really is talking about the truth. I doubt about what she says because she is not consistent at all. Anyway, I would discover things as we go along the way. Is it really true that Daddy does not visit her anymore? Where was she when she did not go to her office last Wednesday? Was she really in condo sleeping the whole day? Whew…talk about stupidity and things that I refuse to believe.

It’s past eight already and my officemates. I got to go.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

with a heavy heart...

Last night took its toll on me. I felt that everything is a blur. I have a heavy heart like I felt I was carrying an extra baggage on my shoulder. I felt like my world is gonna end and as if something inside of me will explode. Indescribable feeling and confused mind as to what is really happening to me. knowing that bel was not in the office for three days and I do not know about it devastated me. how come I don’t know when I am the boyfriend who must know everything. The communication lines I believe was broken for almost a month I admit. I was too considerate for the last weeks when she would tell me that her phone is off or it’s not functioning and that it has ran out of battery. I kept my thoughts with me even though I was hurt why she has to do that to me. but two days ago was different. This time, she told me that she won’t have a phone anymore and she hates having a phone. I am postulating that probably since my mom texts her and calls her sometimes maybe, just maybe she don’t like it. And so she’s dropping her phone which I think brought me to oblivion last night. I was crying on the phone last night with shy because I cant talk to anyone her in the office. for one they don’t know about my situation and it would be too cheesy for me and too early to bother them with my personal life. Besides I don’t want them to be involved with my personal life just like what happened in my previous office. good thing shy was a listening gal. Supposedly, we were to have coffee at sm mall of asia but was cancelled because bvhoy has a date with tin. And so I went home early yesterday and has to contend to sleep right away without eating to disembark from this lonely world. (I wonder though that when I woke up this morning I was never hungry at all when all I ate was just 2 slices of pizza and two pieces of crackers downed with a glass of orange juice).

My labyrinthine life defeats the purpose of a straight path I must take.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

drift away...

Last night was spent at poultry with emb friends. They had a drink of one or two but I opted for a soda. I had been drinking for almost four consecutive nights and vowed to stop for a while. I was a bit hesitant to come over but then I have nothing to do. And so I finally conceded to drop by poultry and spend the night with them. I went home past 10 already after having dinner with dj and shy at sinangag express along pedro gil. Bob and les went to meow to cap off the night. I bet they still are groggy up until this time.

It is really heart wrenching I may say that slowly I feel that bel is drifting away from me. She would not text me or call me in a day or two. She did not even bother to ask my number in my new office. I dunno know what is happening to us. I hope that what I am thinking is not coming into realization. I hate to say this but I don’t like what I feel every time I think about us and what will happen to us. Now that that she will be three months on the way, I don’t know what really are our plans. Every time I ask her about if she would marry me or when would she be transferring I always get blank answers and naughty smiles. Probably it’s because we don’t talk seriously and that we haven’t sat down yet for quite some time now. It started with that mother fucker buko pie thing. Whew…how could I bring back the times lost.

What I had in mind before was that if my transfer to my new office would materialize, I would definitely be a new person. I am slowly working on that and hope to accomplish it in the years to come. Nurturing they say. I thought also that she will be transferring but lately she was having doubts like it’s flooded, the area is humid and my place too high on the third floor. What can I say…I have yet to be rich and famous in order for me to give her needs.
Im sucked and screwed.

Please help me God.

second week...

So fast. It’s my second week now. In a week’s time if I am to assess myself with how much I am faring with work, I’d say that I wasn’t able to yet accomplish what I had in mind before the week started. But just the same since I am a newbie, I have a lot of things to learn in order for me grasp the work here. Bimbo and ivan will be going out of the country for a seminar next week and im sure the work will double up on my shoulder. It’s a welcome challenge though.

Btw, I like my chair far better here that what I have in EMB. Ergonomics wise, I am comfortable with it. When I got here, I was doubly glad to know that I have my own pc and table right away. Internet ready at that.

Weekend was very eventful for me and the oisters. Friday was spent until 4 in the morning at Saguijo. Bands there were rocking real good. Kamikaze was there (my favorite rock band in the whole wide world), urbandub(wow, wow, all I could say is wow…real good), then there was the up and coming anggulo which I think will nail a place in the music industry soon (the vocals was way too good with spiels and singing as well), the ever noisy quezo played also and I forgot the other one. In short, one hell of a time. Imagine I sustained myself until that time which I could have normally slept. There was not much beer actually since it’s too expensive (50.bottle) excluding the entrance fee. Good thing shy footed the bill on the entrance. Bvhoy and I still manage to go home since he has still to go to the wake. He dropped me off in my house. The whole day of Saturday was spent sleeping. The luxury I get lately.

Then Saturday night was another drinking session night. Shy texted me she’ll be coming over with lester. And so I texted bvhoy to come over too. They brought kfc take out dinner which was good. Hmm…we downed two grande red horse bottle except for bvhoy who was I think not feeling for the night since his date was cut short. Bad trip in short and he was just very eager to go home. The group split up at 10.30 (way too early) to head home except for me since it’s my house…

Yesterday was spent with God in the morning and at manila baywalk at time. Such ironies. I have come to realize about what the life coach was saying yesterday about three things. It’s about depth against shallowness, duty against slyness and devotion against separateness. I was just stunned that all the while I was not able to assess myself and I am leaning towards this worldly sins. Attitude check they say and check it is. I was guilty and the sermon just overwhelmed me to assess my life again. I hope I could be able to grasp and employ the depth of what I want in life. Of what I want to be and whom I want to make an impact with. Duty in the sense that in my work, I have to be fully dedicated. So timely I say since I have a new job right now, I could start all over again, I thank God for putting me in the new office where corruption is remote and I could work without any hang ups. I pray to God that he will continue to bless me and guide me in my day to day living. Now that I am leading a new life, I hope that the Lord will not just help me with my new work but the reconstruction of my whole life. I want to change everything in me. While I see that the effort should be more than with me with the help of the Lord, I know that I have to start somewhere else. The first step towards being new. For the moment I do not know yet where to start. I have to begin somewhere else. I’l drop my old number perhaps and stop chatting with my old ym add. Yes, that’s better. It’s a good start.

It’s almost 8 am. Bye for now I have to work.

Friday, September 15, 2006

new work...

Call it first timer jitters. An established proverb would say it all begins with a single step. And so I am in my first single step. I started as a newbie here yesterday. I had misgivings though but I finally prompted myself that I will stay here for the rest of my life. My dialogue with HR yesterday was not at all satisfying. For one, they could not determine still what will be my salary. I wonder when will they be able to figure it out. Although im assured that it will not go down what I expected, still I have to know what path to take so that I could take off from where I want to start. I was given the requirements though. I hope before the month ends I’ll be able to complete those. I was also briefed with basic rules and regulations of the company and was disappointed to know that I will not be able to wear jeans and shirts. I was a bit devastated but I could not do otherwise. I have to follow instructions if I want to get the appointment. I also learned and able to meet my kababayan there named Ging. At least I could have a contact when I go up in HR to follow up for my benefits and err, promotions…JJJ. Regarding the benefits they are giving, I was quite amazed that they are getting a lot. In six months or more, I’ll be able to avail all of them also. On the sides, I’d like to note that the people in HR are quite accommodating and amiable.

My first day here in ESG was sort of getting to know them by names (I could memorize their names already). I am a bit hesitant but I am glad to know that they are reaching out to include me in their conversations and small talks. Vivian was way accommodating for inviting me during break time to have coffee and merienda in the pantry. Sir Frank was also supportive for having a small chit chats with me in between. Bimbo on the other hand gave me brochures that kept me busy for the rest of the day (reading that is). Ma’am Toni on the other hand was eager to let me do the work right away that I like because I hate idling. I am supposed to do the database of ECC/CNC processed but Vivian forgot to give me the raw data. I was supposed to do it today but she’s still not around. Il just have to remember that I have to deliver the goods at the end of the week.

Yesterday was spent also on briefings on the work that I will be doing here. Although im a bit familiar with the work, there are a lot of things I have to learn. For one, I was amazed at how organized they are with what they are doing here. From the receiving until such time that the documents are released, everything are in order. They have forms for every activity that is easier for an evaluator. Case in point during the screening and the review proper, they have forms to guide you. Wow, not so much brain whacking for an evaluator. Vivian was telling me if I could fine-tune the said forms but I said that they are good as it is. I think I will not be having a hard time unlike in my previous work that I have to scratch my head to evaluate documents thoroughly. Wow, a guide…I did not think about that when I was in the other office. I still have a lot to learn though. I believe my knowledge is still not at par with theirs so I have to do a lot of research and read a lot.

While browsing through the pertinent laws related to PEZA given by Bimbo, I was caught off guard since there are a lot of things I have to know. Before, I thought that I know a lot about environmental laws, not I have to double check what I know. Up until today, I still am on the process of familiarizing with the basic laws that is the Bible of PEZA. I brought my manual but it’s not enough. In here, you have to be well versed not just with one law but will all the five basic environmental laws such as Clean Air Act, Clean Water Act, Solid Waste Management Act, Toxic and Hazardous Waste Management Act and Philippine EIS System (which is my forte). Those laws are the things that I have to review. I may be needing my brochures which I left in my previous Office and hope to be familiar with it.

Well, my thoughts on whether I have regrets in moving out of EMB? None whatsoever. I feel I will be comfortable here in due time and will be able to master the work sometime soon. Just give me a month or two and I will be able to know the ins and outs of documents, their styles as well as their personalities in which I could fit it. Im a flexible person and I believe I could easily associate with this kind of people. Prima facie, the ESG Group personnel are all amiable and accommodating also. In due time, I wont be a shy type guy anymore here but a part of the group.

It’s true I miss my former office mates but it just end there. I have to move on. Yesterday after my office here, I went back there to endorse the projects that I left. The only thing I left there are my things. I plan to get them on weekend since I put it in one box. I am saddened though that I left them but it’s for my own good and security as well. I’ll miss mommy geline and bvhoy (my constant companions during lunch time) but it has to be that way. In no time at all, I’ll be finding new friends here also. It doesn’t mean that I am leaving them. Of course not. I’d still get to mingle with bvhoy and shy since they are my constant gimmick mates. With mommy geline probably once or twice a month would be the most I could offer. I am becoming so emotional that two days prior to my resignation day, I was crying during night time. My last day was not so lonely actually because bvhoy gave me a treat in Manukan (pansit canton, peanuts and quail eggs over a bottle of sprite). After that we went to Shy’s house to find all the rest of the housemates there. We ate dinner together and had some conversations after. We went home afterwards. Good thing bvhoy did not went home in his house but spent the night in my house. It was not all lonely at all and I had someone to talk to when we got home. The house was empty good ting he was there. Tired as I am I jest watched TV for a few minutes and slept afterwards. The following morning, instead that I take the route straight to PEZA, I took the route of MEB still with Bvhoy going to PEZA. I was so devastated when we parted ways when he went up the building while I have to cross the street in pedro gil to take the fx going here. Finally, it’s real. I have a new office I actually said to myself.

Im back. I worked that’s why I stopped writing this morning. Anyway, it’s approaching 5 and my work is done. Where was I again? Yeah, when I realized that it’s for real that I finally transferred to a new work. A bit odd and strange environment but I’m starting to like it.