Monday, September 25, 2006

sleeping very late..

last night was a torment. I almost drifted to sleep I guess past three in the morning. Sleep seems to elude. While my mind was wide awake my body does not seem to coordinate. And so I have a puffy eyes and I feel like it’s full of sand it’s so annoying. I know that last night was a night full of realizations and resolutions too. It was too long a night. I started to lie low at eleven which means that it took me four hours to finally get the sleep that I need.

I thought abut lots of things. About me and bel. Me and bvhoy and shy. My family. My studies and my career as well. I may be good at writing down things I will do but I am extra slow in implementing them. Worst I forgot about what should be the best thing to do when my heart overwhelms my mind. Stupidity is innate in me I suppose.

While at it, I also thought that maybe it’s because of the red bull that was given for free when I paid pure gold a visit yesterday at three in the afternoon. But for god sake its effects must have done wonders on me since I am not easily downed by those energy drink. And now I realize that maybe I just have a lot of thinking to do. Maybe God wants me to think and stop on doing stupid things.

First on the line, my craziness over shy and bvhoy whom I could not resist the impulse to go with them when they invite me for a drink or dinner or whatever they have in mind. I’ve been so attached with these two people that my day has been patterned to wake up and sleep talking and texting them. When I don’t get a prompt reply I’d get depressed and wallow in a lot of things. I wonder if they feel the same way I do if I don’t text them at all. Maybe not or maybe yes. But the point is I can’t move on because I would usually fit in what ever impromptu decisions they would make. I have stalled several appointments so that I could go with them and look what I feel. With a heavy heart I would end up usually alone during night time and blame myself for what I feel. I don’t like the feeling that every night time and morning I would feel like this. I mean with a heavy heart because of some unsolved issues and thoughts that I am so paranoid.

There are times when I do get a reply from bvhoy and it comes off with arrogance and back-off-thing-feel which I would normally ignore and would still reply cordially. The good hearted in me still penetrates within and goes out a long way. Sometimes though I would shot back with arrogance though so that I’d feel well also. It helps sometimes but most of the time I am devastated. Really devastated that I cant sanely.

It happened just after my transfer in my new office that he always treats me like this. Although there was one time (that was last Thursday) that he was trying to redeem himself for all the bad things he has done to me by inviting me to go in mall of asia to have coffee. Shy didn’t make it though and so we spent the evening until eight catching up on some things. After which we went to the bar in buendia where shy is working so that there’ll be three of use again. The oisters ya know. Shy arrived a little before eleven and so we did practically shared the whole night eating and drinking. It felt good after since I know for a while that I haven’t lose a friend yet.

But the pattern goes back when we don’t see each other. And so I have resolved that I wont text them even and I’ll make some space between us so that they will realize for a time that it hurts to be so rude and so mean. I hope I could hold on to my resolution. God help me…

Bel and I seem to have a going on also. While she hibernated for three straight days without bothering to look where I am, I was also devastated and I have cried several times over what is happening on me. that explains why I doubly feel bad. Last weekend during her conjugal visit to me she evades the questions that I would throw at her. She’d always say that she has been sleeping most of the time and that a terrible headache bugged her during the week. While I would not believe her justification, I could not help but just accept it without further question anymore. The stupid and cowardice in me again. And so we ended up in bed the whole afternoon which was a blast after two weeks without having sex. It felt good and it was a wild one you only get to see in movies. Talk of porn star material. And so after she left, I was alone again thinking and contemplating on a lot of things. Last night took its toll that I thought about things I never would have thought before. Like I would pretend as her nephew and would investigate over the phone and spy her around in the camp if she really is talking about the truth. I doubt about what she says because she is not consistent at all. Anyway, I would discover things as we go along the way. Is it really true that Daddy does not visit her anymore? Where was she when she did not go to her office last Wednesday? Was she really in condo sleeping the whole day? Whew…talk about stupidity and things that I refuse to believe.


It’s past eight already and my officemates. I got to go.

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