Monday, October 30, 2006
Morbid? Yeah. but if it would happen, I would thank the Lord that I’ll be put to rest. I don’t like working anymore. There is no more meaning to what I do. My life has no direction. Without bel I am nothing. I was telling myself that in a month or two, I’ll get over this feeling. But I think day by day, am being killed slowly of what I feel. I could never fathom where the pain is coming from. My chest pains has been persistent aside from the emotional anguish that I am feeling.
I lost my friends too. I don’t like to be with them anymore. The last time I was with bvhoy and shy, I feel like I don’t like their company anymore. I don’t like the feeling. Day in and day out, I find myself bitter in their actions towards me and I want to simply tear them away from my system too. There must be something wrong with me or them but I am such a paranoid freak. For a lot of times, I thought of being unavailable also should they invite me again. I have started to be mean also to them even if only for myself. I stopped texting and chatting shy for over a week now except yesterday when I accidentally replied in her chat message. I also promised to stop seeing both of them except last Friday. I did not invited her though. It was sunshine who did. For bvhoy, I also lost the luster in replying to his text messages. And I like to remain it that way for now. I too have some bitterness towards him now that he too has a girlfriend. Come a time that he’ll be broken hearted, I will never be an ash tray for him. I feel like he was there when he needed me. and now that he is perfectly fine and all that sunny in his situation, he has already forgotten me. talk about a subtle way of revenge. I’ll never let him know also of what I am doing with my life.
Last night, my landlord talked with me to vacate the place I am renting. Then, I thought that probably, it is high time for me to move out and leave mac alone and my brother’s shadow. I guess it is a perfect time for me to be independent and all. Now that I have a stable job I could do whatever I want to do with my life. Now that I lost my love, bvhoy and shy and the rest of my friends, I think it is better to start somewhere else. Build new friendship and forget the old ones. Build a new home and discard the old one including the memories that was left in there.
Since it seems that my inappropriate wish is not being granted by the Lord, I might as well move on. Pick up from where I fell and from there build a new life again. I know they will still be a part of my colorful past but they are lessons that could make me a better person in my next journey in life.
Regarding my schooling, I have lost the zest also. It’s as if everything in me was shattered to pieces that it is already difficult to build me up again. I lost the luster and zest of life. I lost the positive energy and optimistic me. I lost the jolly person that was me. I am no longer the amiable, sunny and easy person to be with. Instead, I’ve become bitter. Self-centered and a mean creature.
I am a different person now. What has got into me that I am such a nut and a contagious nut at that, I don’t know. All I know is that I am easily provoked and I am bitter towards other people.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Going back, life was so simple then. I was with EMB working at the same time taking up nursing at PCHS. Life was routinary. I would go to the office during day time and go straight to school after work. In between, I would join my friends in some drinking session somewhere at the back of our dilapidated office. When I have field works, I would no longer go back to the office. Instead I would wander around the metropolis or prepare for my class. Then I met her in one of my subjects and it all started from there. My life became chaotic from that moment on until now.
I couldn’t say that I regretted that one year. In fact, I learned a lot. There were many lessons, mistakes, realizations and intricacies worth the sacrifice. It actually made me more mature and strong. Sturdy strong at that I may say.
Just right now, I realized that part of moving on phase is being able to talk about it and not having to be bitter about it. Have I moved on in so short a time? I mean, it was just last Friday that we broke up. Maybe because it has been ages that I felt this way and that I had so much of it. Talk of “ kung puno na ang salop.”
Last night, I invited Mommy Geline for a dinner. I invited bvhoy too but he was not able to make it because probably he has a date. And so I was able to talk about what has become of me and my relationship for the past weeks. Mommy has been ever since can be depended upon. When I was still in EMB, she will be a shoulder to cry on. She was my cigarette buddy during my uneasy times and most of the time when I am just down and uncomfortable with my working condition. She was just there to listen and give her piece of advice. And I am glad that last night she was there again to listen to me. More than anything, I need a listener who could just understand me. Aside from that of course, we made up for the lost times. We talked about anything and everything. We parted after some two hours of talking.
I was supposed to do some charity work last night but my laptop would not just function. I was jittery because when I opened it, it was able to boot up but then when mak looked for something he accidentally tripped over the cable and the pc went dead. After that, it never returned to normal and I could no longer start the black thing. In my frustration, I slept early. I hope ballot could come over this evening and fix it so that I could finish the charity work I started two nights ago.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Stretch, go back to sleep, stretch again, get up, shower, dress up. In more than thirty minutes, I’m here in my office tapping my keyboard.
Shortly after dinner last night, I had chest pains. It’s on the right side and it wont just go away. I was thinking that maybe it was just some muscle twitching but then before I hit the bed, I kind of still having the pains that every time I turn on the other side there is a muscle being pinched. Worst, it’s so painful I would groan most of the time. But then, I had good night sleep it didn’t bother me at all when I got to wonderland. Probably due to fatigue the day before. Physically and emotionally. This morning, the pain is still there. And so I thought of seeing the Office physician today so that I could have a professional opinion on what is happening to me. Though it has been bugging me the whole night and also this morning that this is brought (well, in part I guess) by the heart break that floored me last Friday I could still not get over the fat that there must be something else. Well I guess it add up perhaps to what has been my emotional state. And so I am confused. Is the pain more of my emotional dwindle or it is my medical condition that needs a little bit pf propping up. It was only last month that I had my medical check up but ECG was not a part of it. I am thinking that maybe I have some sickness with my respiratory system because ever since the world began I had this malfunctioning of my heart and other organs and tissues that involves my breathing.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Re: i know i really love you
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<> mabel agullana
ViewTuesday, October 24, 2006 5:20:40 PM
kamusta kna? alam ko nasaktan kita mg husto pero di mo ata ako naintindihan dun sa mga sinabi ko...pero nagpapasalamat ako syo ksi you let me reallized kung ano dapat ang gagawin ko sa buhay...ga for how many days na tinatry kung makontak ka tapos di ko magawa even calling sa landline i've tried pero wala din ring lang ring...sbi mo palagi ko alalahanin ang 1 corinthians kso habang inaalala ko tumutulo ang luha ko...ga sana my puwang pa din ako sa puso mo ksi feeling ko nawala kna sa akin...ga alam mo di ako makatulog kasi ikaw lang laman ng isip ko now i reallized na mahal nga talaga kita...
ga i will asked you this for the last time kung ok pa syo...could you process the marriage this time? ksi alam ko ang dami ko ng mali na ginawa pero sa ngayon ayaw ko madamay ang anak ntin ga...ayaw ko magiging kawawa sia..ako lang ang nagkamali kaya aayosin ko na ang lahat lahat...pero di ko alam ngayon ang nasa puso mo ga...kung sakaling galit kna sa akin tanggapin ko ng maluwag sa puso ko...pero sana kmi pa din ni baby ang andyan...i missed you ga...;-(
i know my duda ka sa sinasabi ko syo...di ba sinabi ko syo na darating ako ng biglaan syo...eto na nakapagdecide na ako...ga bahala kana sa future natin nina baby.
so, what do I have in mind right now? The big question is whether I will tie the knot or not. In my four days of internalization, I have come to realize that I have partially drifted away from her. I thought about events and happenings which eventually led to the disastrous Friday last week. There are missing pieces and gaps but slowly, God has taught me to accept what my fate is. I could say I came out strong enough after day three and was able to be rational and think of practical ways. For one, I did not ran away from the metropolis. I did not commit suicide just like what I thought. I did not drown myself in beer except last Friday due to insistence of bvhoy so we could meet up. I had only four bottles though. The succeeding days, I was lost in my thoughts but I did not go over board. I am glad to say that the least I did was to walk and walk and just walk I ended up in sta. Ana race track in the morning of Tuesday. Dueing those times also, I watched a lot of HBO and Star movies ( I admit I cried to some of the scenes) but that was it. I also watched a movie by myself entitled “the guardian” which stars Kevin costner and ashton kutcher (it was a good movie though. I was transformed to another world even for two hours). Best of all, I went shopping. I bought two pieces of folded and hung pants and six pieces of human polo shirt. I also bought a ring for myself to replace the old one. There is not much significance in buying the ring. I just felt that it was high time to get another one and move on with my life. I got a silver one by the way and a lil bit okay than the previous one. Also, I was able to get my student permit license from LTO. Now, a lot happened to me after such a break up isn’t it? How many break ups should I have in order to fill my entire wardrobe. Surely break up is such an expensive vice. But it felt good afterwards. I admit I am not completely healed but time will do. During my conversation with bvhoy and shy, I told them to just give me one month and I’ll be able to fix myself and be back to my normal self again.
And so I have to go and answer the mail.
Friday, October 20, 2006
I am still trembling at this very moment. It hasn’t sink in fully well but I guess I would freak out I it will. God knows how I love her and how I suffered a lot. Below is the transcript of our conversation that finally nailed the coffin. My coffin I should say. I want to cry right at this very moment. But I cant simply do that. My visions is blurred actually maybe because I cant think well. I have a very heavy heart. I did not expected this. I have so much hope and so much belief that all would come out well. But I was wrong…
I can never be good enough for someone else…
[12:23] yrel25: kumain ka na/[12:34] pretty_yrl25: tapos na [12:34] pretty_yrl25: ikaw?[12:36] pretty_yrl25: ge idlip muna ako kc ang sakit ng ulo ko[12:45] yrel25: okies[13:36] Meebo Message: pretty_yrl25 is offline[14:26] Meebo Message: pretty_yrl25 is online[14:27] pretty_yrl25: my nagchat ba syo simula ng matulog ako?[14:28] pretty_yrl25: Buzz!![14:29] pretty_yrl25: poissttttt[14:39] yrel25: wala naman[14:39] pretty_yrl25: akala ko pinakialaman ni ate ruby [14:40] yrel25: hindi naman[14:40] pretty_yrl25: ok[14:48] yrel25: so ano tuloy tayo bukas?[14:48] yrel25: pwede pa ba tayong magkita nian or hindi na?[14:50] pretty_yrl25: ga ako nlang mag isa punta dun...per di muna bukas cguro bk by tuesday na[14:50] yrel25: sige[14:50] yrel25: ikaw bahala[14:50] pretty_yrl25: my exam ako sa pharma bukas[14:50] yrel25: sunod sunuran na lang ako sayo[14:50] pretty_yrl25: wag ga[14:50] yrel25: oks lang yan[14:51] yrel25: hanggat kaya ko pa naman eh[14:51] pretty_yrl25: ga lalayo nlang kya ako syo[14:51] pretty_yrl25: ang bait mo[14:52] pretty_yrl25: ako hindi[14:52] pretty_yrl25: ang sama no[14:52] pretty_yrl25: ang sama ko no[14:53] pretty_yrl25: sana mabait din ako tulad mo[14:53] yrel25: tingin ko wala na talaga akong pag asa sa yo ga[14:53] pretty_yrl25: di ko alam kung san ako pupunta ga[14:53] yrel25: sabihin mo na lang ga agad kung ayaw mo na para di na ako aasa pa[14:54] pretty_yrl25: alam mo iyak na nman ako ng iyak[14:54] pretty_yrl25: nakakainis[14:54] yrel25: di ko na din alam ang gagawin[14:54] pretty_yrl25: pra di na nauubos ang luha ko[14:54] yrel25: siguro its time for me to move on na lang[14:55] pretty_yrl25: do ko na alam talaga ga ang gagawin ngayon[14:55] pretty_yrl25: di ko na alam ang tama [14:56] pretty_yrl25: ang bigat bigat ng nasa dibdib ko[14:56] yrel25: alam mo kung ano ang tama ayaw mo lang gawin[14:56] pretty_yrl25: ga kung mapapahamak ka lang nman...mag tiis nalang ako[14:57] pretty_yrl25: di bali umiyak ako ng umiyak[14:57] yrel25: so pano? [14:57] yrel25: ano tayo ngayon? wala lang..[14:57] yrel25: ganon lang[14:57] yrel25: pano ung anak ko?[14:59] pretty_yrl25: ga kung ano man mangyari sa akin pagnanganak ako...in case na mawala ako...ipaiwan ko syo ang bata[14:59] yrel25: ano bang plano ni ed?[14:59] yrel25: aakuin nia ba?[14:59] pretty_yrl25: hindi ko gagawin un[15:01] pretty_yrl25: kung lumayo man ako...ako lang mag isa[15:01] pretty_yrl25: at least wlang madamay[15:01] yrel25: di ko alam gagawin ko[15:01] yrel25: basta dito lang ako lagi[15:01] pretty_yrl25: wa ka gumaya sa akin ga[15:01] yrel25: u know where to call and reach me[15:02] yrel25: alam ko sa desisyon mong to ako ang talo pero ala akong magagawa kung un gusto mo[15:02] yrel25: ung ina alala ko lang ung anak ko[15:02] yrel25: kaso wala din akong panghahawakan kse di naman tayo kasal[15:02] pretty_yrl25: no....pls don't change ur cell number....[15:03] yrel25: im at the losing end[15:03] pretty_yrl25: magpapakasal ako syo ga [15:03] yrel25: tandaan mo lagi ung I corintihians 13.[15:03] yrel25: pag nabasa mo yan. isipin mo ako ang nagsasabi sayo ng ganyan[15:04] yrel25: i guess this is not goodbye yet[15:05] pretty_yrl25: no[15:05] pretty_yrl25: bk umuwi ako sa iloilo ga[15:05] yrel25: mag leleave ako on monday[15:05] yrel25: kse alang pasok sa tusday[15:06] yrel25: di ko alam kung san ako dadalhin ng tadhana mamya[15:07] yrel25: LOVE..bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things[15:07] pretty_yrl25: pls nman ga tandaan mo andito kmi ng anak mo[15:07] pretty_yrl25: babalik ako syo...[15:08] pretty_yrl25: sana andyan kpa [15:09] pretty_yrl25: ikaw na ang huling mamahalin ko ga.... [15:10] yrel25: Love is patient and is kind; love doesn't envy. Love doesn't brag, is not proud,5 doesn't behave itself inappropriately, doesn't seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil;6 doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will be done away with. Where there are various languages, they will cease. Where there is knowledge, it will be done away with.9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part;10 but when that which is complete has come, then that which is partial will be done away with.11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child. Now that I have become a man, I have put away childish things.12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, even as I was also fully known.13 But now faith, hope, and love remain-these three. The greatest of these is love.[15:11] yrel25: good luck sa pinili mong way. God bless at dont forget that I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. ung baby natin wag mong pabayaan.[15:11] pretty_yrl25: sana mging kagaya mo ako ga....ur strong....[15:13] pretty_yrl25: hindi syempre...eto lang ang pinanghahawakan ko syo[15:15] pretty_yrl25: I THINK LOVE YOU MORE....coz i care so much about you...takot akong mawala ka...lalo na mapahamak ka[15:16] pretty_yrl25: isang araw darating nalang ako sa bahay mo....[15:16] pretty_yrl25: ga if in case i need help ksi paubos na saving ko...pwede mo ba ako tulungan ?[15:18] pretty_yrl25: i know ur crying ga...wag ksi magkikita pa rin tayo...[15:18] yrel25: for my baby i will[15:18] pretty_yrl25: tanx....[15:19] yrel25: alak lang naman to eh[15:20] pretty_yrl25: ga pag nag alak ka ng alak..walang mangyayari syo at sa amin ng anak mo[15:21] pretty_yrl25: pls....ipangako mo sa akin wag kang mag iinom kasi mag woworry ako syo...baka mapahamak din kmi[15:21] pretty_yrl25: kai mag iisip ako na mag iisip[15:22] yrel25: got to go..[15:22] yrel25: punta lang akong cr..[15:22] yrel25: sign out na ako[15:22] yrel25: I LOVE YOU
and so I am single again. I may have sired a baby girl but technically I am single again. I am devastated. I am broke, damaged, desolate. Name all the adjectives and I am like that. I guess there’s no more left to cry. There’s no more tears that will come out of this dehydrated eyes of mine. My feelings could not be explained. It’s indescribable. I/m lost and my life has no more meaning. In my thirty years of living, I was effortlessly complaining that I never encountered such a gigantic problem yet. And so I got what I wished for. For more than a year, I was a slave and I was blinded by love. I never knew I would end up this way. My prayer vigil and bisita iglesia did not work. I am thinking of who is to blame. I am thinking of persons to put the hammer on but it’s not just right.
I don’t know where I will be going tonight. My life has no purpose and direction anymore. Shall I end my life? Shall I join the roster of those who have made a short cut to the gates of hell in order to escape the cruelty of this world?
I cant fathom life has to offer and the meaning of why I exist. I cant seem to connect the enmity of life’s eccentricities. I feel that I don’t deserve this.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Good thing that for one month now, I have been a changed person. I see to it that I would not comment nor step my foot forward on things that I am not involved with. I am glad to say also that for sometime now, I have stopped to back bit people and have learned to become passionate and considerate. You may say that it comes with aging. Perhaps true if you look at it that way. Maturity is a sign that indeed we can handle any circumstances that comes our way.
There are eight (8) of us here in the office. new recruits like shiela and me are tying to fit in ourselves. While there is not much adjustment for me as I felt I am already comfortable here, I still am getting to know their unique personalities. Some are on the neutral and safe side while the others are arrogant and know it all type. And so I would l am thinking of maintaining my usual silent type persona.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Glorieta 4 was melancholic and gloomy early Sunday morning. The clouds cover up the entire metropolis threatening to shower the whole area with raging rains. Traffic was a breeze and there was no much commuters. Maybe a little too early at eight in the morning I may say but the road seemed too wide for the taxi as it made its way along ayala and makati avenue. We got there at exactly 8:30 just in time for the preaching to start. We were able to catch the last part of the worship though. Tatay, nanay and me with balot’s family were there also. They were late because they left tondo later than us. There was no preaching actually. A film showing instead about the lives and struggle of five missionary pilots who gave their lives for God. After the forty minute film showing, there was a reflection of the message of the film by a lady who was articulate and I could say she moved me to where I am sitting. I was made to think and reflect on my life also and my purpose. Entitled “Beyond the Gates of Splendor”, it was a true to life documentary that speaks about true meaning of love and coming into full circle, of forgiveness, of extreme kindness and the true meaning of mission. Personally, I was amazed at how I was able to think things over. Seldom do I moved by such messages. And so last Sunday I just thank God that he worked his ways to instill in me that even in simple ways, I could pass on the message of God. And so yesterday, I smiled at my neighbors who have not seen a single smile from me since day one of our meeting. I would now smile at strangers when I have the opportunity and I hope to continue that so that I’ll be able to pass on the love of God. It does not really sound so big for a work but I am starting with a single step. As the Bible says, if God is with me, so who can be against me.” great…I am starting to sound religious and all not my masungit naughty self anymore. Isn’t that a good news? Helluva good news I should say…
After church yesterday, we went home directly because nanay would be leaving at 1 pm for her 3 pm flight bound for kalibo. Tatay was left and still at home at this very moment and will probably go home by the end of this week. Good thing that he is here because he cooks food for us.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
last night was a little bit peaceful at home. Not to discount the fact that I had a peaceful sleep. In fact, I overslept. I hit the bed at exactly 10 in the evening after the soap of anne curtis and was virtually into wonder land minutes after. I woke up though tired because my sleep was more than eight hours. This is attributed maybe to lack of sleep for the past few nights due to some visit from relatives. Although nanay and tatay are still here, they were at my aunt’s place the other night. So the house was relatively peaceful and very conducive for sleeping.
Work here in my new office compared to my old one is a breeze. It’s like a walk in the park. Now, I can blog til kingdom come. Would you trade that for anything else? Of course not. I could also browse the internet and chat anytime I want. I could read all the information from newspapers and all documents from anything under the sun. Of course, I do have reservations, when there is work I see to it that I finish the work first before going to some hullabaloo.
I forgot to blog last weekend due to busy schedule. Worth blogging was our visit to the OB for an ultrasound. And so after two hours of waiting, I found out that I’ll have a baby GIRL. YES, IT’S A GIRL. Just what I exactly dreamed of. Man, I was in seventh heaven after learning that it would be a girl. Although the ultrasound result says that it’s 85 per cent female, I am pretty sure that it already is.
This early, I am thinking of a name. I am considering the name AVA for so long a time since it has been the dream name of my mother ever since the world began. She was frustrated for so long a time that she was not able to have a girl for herself. When Chloe was born, she thought that her name would be ava. But Manung and Ate Lanie did not consider such name much to her disappointment. And so I am considering such name. Bel would have the option if she would give a second name to our baby but definitely it would be.
Judging from my last two blogs, I am no longer affected by my departure from my previous office. it’s true that time heals all wounds. In so short a time, I was bale to move on. It’s exactly one month from where I took off in emb and I am glad that within that period I was able to get over the feeling. I hope it would continue this way that I am no longer affected with anything. I can attest to the fact that the other night, I went home early and left them there. After watching the video, I admit that I was hurt a lot but after which, I was amazed that I felt nothing at all. No more pain and no more wallowing in self pity. I am GLAD. Terribly GLAD that gradually, I am no longer feeling the hurt and the pain that I felt after I left the Office. I hope it would continue this way. I think that the Office has moved on also. Distance does make the heart not grow fonder. :):):)
Now I realize why God allowed my transfer. God has his own ways for my own good. Thank you Lord.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
im almost one month now in my new work. il be turning one month exactly tomorrow. well, i could say that i have finally settled down. except for some of the new things that i am learning in solid waste and hazardous waste section, the eia has been such a breeze like a walk in the park.
yesterday, i was with bvhoy at shy's house. we watched the dvd he produced which was about her and tin. after which we ate the crab that i brought along from our house. i left hurriedly because bel will be coming over to meet my parents.
and so they met. hehehe. not much of a fuzz. just the usual hi and hello. she went after eating dinner with me. the day after auntie nita, michelle and mike went home also. their flight was 5 in the morning so all of us were awake as early as 2.30 am. i slept right after they left though.
nanay and tatay are left here. i think they'll be spending some time here before going home to unwind. good for them.
bye for now.
p.s. last night was balot's birthday. there was no beer at all. im pissed. hehehe.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
after typhoon milenyo wrecked havoc on the metropolis, everything seems back to normal. but that's after six days. yes six long days. just this morning our office got its electricity back. while we had ours at home last friday afternoon, up until this time the cable is not working. and so we have to contend with just abs and gma and some unknown channels with thrash shows.
the entire week also, i was not able to talk with bel. i dunno wat happened to her during the entire week as i didnt get any call from her at all. last night she told me that she was in montalban during the calamity. and i was not informed. and i was made to believe that she was really there although at the back of my mind its a lame excuse. i did not delve into asking more about it cos i know at the end of the conversation il have painful thoughts again. and i hate to wallow in self pity. and so i left it that way. okay, she was in montalban and that she was not able to call me because there was no phone and text due to power failure. oh god, tell me its true. our conversation ended with the usual i love you but on my end i could not still feel the words that came out of her mouth. and so with mine. whew...something really bad is happening between us.
thursday was spent sleeping due to the powerful typhoon. the day after was spent with bvhoy accidentally. we visited shy at her house and got the shocked of our lives when we found out that her dad was there. it was a horrible experience though..whahaha...funny at the same time awkward...
they went out as a family and so bvhoy and me was left with nothing to do at all. and so we went to rockwell and was stopped by a taffic man for violating some traffic rules wahtever. i paid 100 bucks to get away with it...
at rockwell, we attended the mass. then ate at tokyo tokyo afterwards while watching passersby. then we roamed the mall for the last time before hitting home.