Monday, October 16, 2006

for the nth time...

I’ve been doing this to myself maybe for the nth time already. Time and again, God is probably teaching me to veer away slowly and surely from the Office. Although I swore a lot of times that I will not reply the text messages of the Office anymore, I am at a loss a lot of times also. Bottom line, I always end up replying. But the anger and hatred (not in a violent way I may say) has been building up inside. I think this is God’s way of healing me so that the departure would not be painful. I felt the pain already I guess and it was not that bad. The thing is, I could half hazardly say that I have moved on already. So, let it be. Don’t get in the way of God’s plan so that everything will be in place perfectly. I have slowly come to realize that love is fleeting and fancy so you just have to savor every precious moment of it. I did savor the moment and basked in all its glory although I was not able to fulfill my fantasies and all. It was too good while it lasted I should say. Now, I don’t know what is in store. While I may say that I have come full circle towards the thought that it could never be possible, I have also considered that it would be better if I have to cut off the communication too. My fingers though act differently. It aches most of the time to text and call and I am such a jerk to do such things. In time, in time, in time, I will be learning and I hope the day would come that I am brave enough to face my deepest weakness. God help me…

Glorieta 4 was melancholic and gloomy early Sunday morning. The clouds cover up the entire metropolis threatening to shower the whole area with raging rains. Traffic was a breeze and there was no much commuters. Maybe a little too early at eight in the morning I may say but the road seemed too wide for the taxi as it made its way along ayala and makati avenue. We got there at exactly 8:30 just in time for the preaching to start. We were able to catch the last part of the worship though. Tatay, nanay and me with balot’s family were there also. They were late because they left tondo later than us. There was no preaching actually. A film showing instead about the lives and struggle of five missionary pilots who gave their lives for God. After the forty minute film showing, there was a reflection of the message of the film by a lady who was articulate and I could say she moved me to where I am sitting. I was made to think and reflect on my life also and my purpose. Entitled “Beyond the Gates of Splendor”, it was a true to life documentary that speaks about true meaning of love and coming into full circle, of forgiveness, of extreme kindness and the true meaning of mission. Personally, I was amazed at how I was able to think things over. Seldom do I moved by such messages. And so last Sunday I just thank God that he worked his ways to instill in me that even in simple ways, I could pass on the message of God. And so yesterday, I smiled at my neighbors who have not seen a single smile from me since day one of our meeting. I would now smile at strangers when I have the opportunity and I hope to continue that so that I’ll be able to pass on the love of God. It does not really sound so big for a work but I am starting with a single step. As the Bible says, if God is with me, so who can be against me.” great…I am starting to sound religious and all not my masungit naughty self anymore. Isn’t that a good news? Helluva good news I should say…

After church yesterday, we went home directly because nanay would be leaving at 1 pm for her 3 pm flight bound for kalibo. Tatay was left and still at home at this very moment and will probably go home by the end of this week. Good thing that he is here because he cooks food for us.

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