Monday, October 30, 2006

inappropriate wish...

For several days now, I constantly wished that I were dead. I know it is inappropriate but it’s the only way I know that can put a stop to the problems that I have right now. For how many nights now, before I would go to sleep I wished that the Lord would just take me away quietly. I wished that I will never wake up anymore so that I am free of the problems. But every morning, I would still find myself waking up and doing my morning ritual. Although there is not much work in the Office, I am quite relieved that I could kill time before dawn arrives for another night of thinking and wishing that I’ll be dead the next morning.

Morbid? Yeah. but if it would happen, I would thank the Lord that I’ll be put to rest. I don’t like working anymore. There is no more meaning to what I do. My life has no direction. Without bel I am nothing. I was telling myself that in a month or two, I’ll get over this feeling. But I think day by day, am being killed slowly of what I feel. I could never fathom where the pain is coming from. My chest pains has been persistent aside from the emotional anguish that I am feeling.

I lost my friends too. I don’t like to be with them anymore. The last time I was with bvhoy and shy, I feel like I don’t like their company anymore. I don’t like the feeling. Day in and day out, I find myself bitter in their actions towards me and I want to simply tear them away from my system too. There must be something wrong with me or them but I am such a paranoid freak. For a lot of times, I thought of being unavailable also should they invite me again. I have started to be mean also to them even if only for myself. I stopped texting and chatting shy for over a week now except yesterday when I accidentally replied in her chat message. I also promised to stop seeing both of them except last Friday. I did not invited her though. It was sunshine who did. For bvhoy, I also lost the luster in replying to his text messages. And I like to remain it that way for now. I too have some bitterness towards him now that he too has a girlfriend. Come a time that he’ll be broken hearted, I will never be an ash tray for him. I feel like he was there when he needed me. and now that he is perfectly fine and all that sunny in his situation, he has already forgotten me. talk about a subtle way of revenge. I’ll never let him know also of what I am doing with my life.

Last night, my landlord talked with me to vacate the place I am renting. Then, I thought that probably, it is high time for me to move out and leave mac alone and my brother’s shadow. I guess it is a perfect time for me to be independent and all. Now that I have a stable job I could do whatever I want to do with my life. Now that I lost my love, bvhoy and shy and the rest of my friends, I think it is better to start somewhere else. Build new friendship and forget the old ones. Build a new home and discard the old one including the memories that was left in there.

Since it seems that my inappropriate wish is not being granted by the Lord, I might as well move on. Pick up from where I fell and from there build a new life again. I know they will still be a part of my colorful past but they are lessons that could make me a better person in my next journey in life.

Regarding my schooling, I have lost the zest also. It’s as if everything in me was shattered to pieces that it is already difficult to build me up again. I lost the luster and zest of life. I lost the positive energy and optimistic me. I lost the jolly person that was me. I am no longer the amiable, sunny and easy person to be with. Instead, I’ve become bitter. Self-centered and a mean creature.

I am a different person now. What has got into me that I am such a nut and a contagious nut at that, I don’t know. All I know is that I am easily provoked and I am bitter towards other people.

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