Friday, October 20, 2006

it's goodbye now...

It’s goodbye now…

I am still trembling at this very moment. It hasn’t sink in fully well but I guess I would freak out I it will. God knows how I love her and how I suffered a lot. Below is the transcript of our conversation that finally nailed the coffin. My coffin I should say. I want to cry right at this very moment. But I cant simply do that. My visions is blurred actually maybe because I cant think well. I have a very heavy heart. I did not expected this. I have so much hope and so much belief that all would come out well. But I was wrong…

I can never be good enough for someone else…

[12:23] yrel25: kumain ka na/[12:34] pretty_yrl25: tapos na [12:34] pretty_yrl25: ikaw?[12:36] pretty_yrl25: ge idlip muna ako kc ang sakit ng ulo ko[12:45] yrel25: okies[13:36] Meebo Message: pretty_yrl25 is offline[14:26] Meebo Message: pretty_yrl25 is online[14:27] pretty_yrl25: my nagchat ba syo simula ng matulog ako?[14:28] pretty_yrl25: Buzz!![14:29] pretty_yrl25: poissttttt[14:39] yrel25: wala naman[14:39] pretty_yrl25: akala ko pinakialaman ni ate ruby [14:40] yrel25: hindi naman[14:40] pretty_yrl25: ok[14:48] yrel25: so ano tuloy tayo bukas?[14:48] yrel25: pwede pa ba tayong magkita nian or hindi na?[14:50] pretty_yrl25: ga ako nlang mag isa punta dun...per di muna bukas cguro bk by tuesday na[14:50] yrel25: sige[14:50] yrel25: ikaw bahala[14:50] pretty_yrl25: my exam ako sa pharma bukas[14:50] yrel25: sunod sunuran na lang ako sayo[14:50] pretty_yrl25: wag ga[14:50] yrel25: oks lang yan[14:51] yrel25: hanggat kaya ko pa naman eh[14:51] pretty_yrl25: ga lalayo nlang kya ako syo[14:51] pretty_yrl25: ang bait mo[14:52] pretty_yrl25: ako hindi[14:52] pretty_yrl25: ang sama no[14:52] pretty_yrl25: ang sama ko no[14:53] pretty_yrl25: sana mabait din ako tulad mo[14:53] yrel25: tingin ko wala na talaga akong pag asa sa yo ga[14:53] pretty_yrl25: di ko alam kung san ako pupunta ga[14:53] yrel25: sabihin mo na lang ga agad kung ayaw mo na para di na ako aasa pa[14:54] pretty_yrl25: alam mo iyak na nman ako ng iyak[14:54] pretty_yrl25: nakakainis[14:54] yrel25: di ko na din alam ang gagawin[14:54] pretty_yrl25: pra di na nauubos ang luha ko[14:54] yrel25: siguro its time for me to move on na lang[14:55] pretty_yrl25: do ko na alam talaga ga ang gagawin ngayon[14:55] pretty_yrl25: di ko na alam ang tama [14:56] pretty_yrl25: ang bigat bigat ng nasa dibdib ko[14:56] yrel25: alam mo kung ano ang tama ayaw mo lang gawin[14:56] pretty_yrl25: ga kung mapapahamak ka lang nman...mag tiis nalang ako[14:57] pretty_yrl25: di bali umiyak ako ng umiyak[14:57] yrel25: so pano? [14:57] yrel25: ano tayo ngayon? wala lang..[14:57] yrel25: ganon lang[14:57] yrel25: pano ung anak ko?[14:59] pretty_yrl25: ga kung ano man mangyari sa akin pagnanganak ako...in case na mawala ako...ipaiwan ko syo ang bata[14:59] yrel25: ano bang plano ni ed?[14:59] yrel25: aakuin nia ba?[14:59] pretty_yrl25: hindi ko gagawin un[15:01] pretty_yrl25: kung lumayo man ako...ako lang mag isa[15:01] pretty_yrl25: at least wlang madamay[15:01] yrel25: di ko alam gagawin ko[15:01] yrel25: basta dito lang ako lagi[15:01] pretty_yrl25: wa ka gumaya sa akin ga[15:01] yrel25: u know where to call and reach me[15:02] yrel25: alam ko sa desisyon mong to ako ang talo pero ala akong magagawa kung un gusto mo[15:02] yrel25: ung ina alala ko lang ung anak ko[15:02] yrel25: kaso wala din akong panghahawakan kse di naman tayo kasal[15:02] pretty_yrl25: no....pls don't change ur cell number....[15:03] yrel25: im at the losing end[15:03] pretty_yrl25: magpapakasal ako syo ga [15:03] yrel25: tandaan mo lagi ung I corintihians 13.[15:03] yrel25: pag nabasa mo yan. isipin mo ako ang nagsasabi sayo ng ganyan[15:04] yrel25: i guess this is not goodbye yet[15:05] pretty_yrl25: no[15:05] pretty_yrl25: bk umuwi ako sa iloilo ga[15:05] yrel25: mag leleave ako on monday[15:05] yrel25: kse alang pasok sa tusday[15:06] yrel25: di ko alam kung san ako dadalhin ng tadhana mamya[15:07] yrel25: LOVE..bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things[15:07] pretty_yrl25: pls nman ga tandaan mo andito kmi ng anak mo[15:07] pretty_yrl25: babalik ako syo...[15:08] pretty_yrl25: sana andyan kpa [15:09] pretty_yrl25: ikaw na ang huling mamahalin ko ga.... [15:10] yrel25: Love is patient and is kind; love doesn't envy. Love doesn't brag, is not proud,5 doesn't behave itself inappropriately, doesn't seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil;6 doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will be done away with. Where there are various languages, they will cease. Where there is knowledge, it will be done away with.9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part;10 but when that which is complete has come, then that which is partial will be done away with.11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child. Now that I have become a man, I have put away childish things.12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, even as I was also fully known.13 But now faith, hope, and love remain-these three. The greatest of these is love.[15:11] yrel25: good luck sa pinili mong way. God bless at dont forget that I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. ung baby natin wag mong pabayaan.[15:11] pretty_yrl25: sana mging kagaya mo ako ga....ur strong....[15:13] pretty_yrl25: hindi syempre...eto lang ang pinanghahawakan ko syo[15:15] pretty_yrl25: I THINK LOVE YOU MORE....coz i care so much about you...takot akong mawala ka...lalo na mapahamak ka[15:16] pretty_yrl25: isang araw darating nalang ako sa bahay mo....[15:16] pretty_yrl25: ga if in case i need help ksi paubos na saving ko...pwede mo ba ako tulungan ?[15:18] pretty_yrl25: i know ur crying ga...wag ksi magkikita pa rin tayo...[15:18] yrel25: for my baby i will[15:18] pretty_yrl25: tanx....[15:19] yrel25: alak lang naman to eh[15:20] pretty_yrl25: ga pag nag alak ka ng alak..walang mangyayari syo at sa amin ng anak mo[15:21] pretty_yrl25: pls....ipangako mo sa akin wag kang mag iinom kasi mag woworry ako syo...baka mapahamak din kmi[15:21] pretty_yrl25: kai mag iisip ako na mag iisip[15:22] yrel25: got to go..[15:22] yrel25: punta lang akong cr..[15:22] yrel25: sign out na ako[15:22] yrel25: I LOVE YOU


and so I am single again. I may have sired a baby girl but technically I am single again. I am devastated. I am broke, damaged, desolate. Name all the adjectives and I am like that. I guess there’s no more left to cry. There’s no more tears that will come out of this dehydrated eyes of mine. My feelings could not be explained. It’s indescribable. I/m lost and my life has no more meaning. In my thirty years of living, I was effortlessly complaining that I never encountered such a gigantic problem yet. And so I got what I wished for. For more than a year, I was a slave and I was blinded by love. I never knew I would end up this way. My prayer vigil and bisita iglesia did not work. I am thinking of who is to blame. I am thinking of persons to put the hammer on but it’s not just right.

I don’t know where I will be going tonight. My life has no purpose and direction anymore. Shall I end my life? Shall I join the roster of those who have made a short cut to the gates of hell in order to escape the cruelty of this world?

I cant fathom life has to offer and the meaning of why I exist. I cant seem to connect the enmity of life’s eccentricities. I feel that I don’t deserve this.

1 comment:

88-Nutty Thoughts-88 said...

you had me at I corinthians 13...
:(