Tuesday, November 28, 2006

i am still the same...

To some, I have changed a lot. As for me, I think I am still the same. Though I think I have added a little bit of rebelliousness in me. Maybe a pound or so. Looking back, I am not really a rebellious type before. It was just lately that If I am not able to get what I want, I would look for other things that would be an outlet. Usually, things which are against my conscience which I would do just for the heck of it. It happened a lot of times already. I am afraid though that I will be used to this kind of thing where I would normally fight back being a rebellious one when things do not go well. I think I did it thrice already in a span of two months. And I am having the time of my life. Promise, I am beginning to like it. Ahahaha. Time and again, the bottom line is I don’t have to do it because it is not just me.

I have been lax lately on my blog habit. I told you. If I am my happy self again, I tend to forget to blog anymore. The good news is that I was able to fix my petty misunderstanding with bvhoy. Also, I was able to make amends with bel and we get along well after almost a month of not talking on the phone. And since I don’t have a heavy heart anymore, the bottom line is that I am happy and therefore there is no room for me to write my happiness anymore.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

i am my emotional self again...

Last night, I think I lost my best friend. I shed a few tears and I was hurt with what happened. Today, I am with a heavy heart again.

Then this very early I got a mail from bel. Below is the full transcript together with the letter I sent her with which she based her reply.


i know you don't believed me but that's how i feel...i've tried to ignore you but i can't...i hate this felings i pretend to my self that im ok bt im not...i want to see you GOD KNOWS HOW MUCH I MISSED YOU GA...sometimes i want to go to your house bt im afraid because you ignored my mails...im so happy that you replied at last...as what i told you di kami mawawala syo maniwala ka sana sa akin...i swear to that ga...i want you to take care of your self...ayaw ko na nagiinom ka o kung ano man..please kung di sa akin para nlang sa baby...ga i know how you feel coz i feel the same i can't sleep at night thinking of you.i hope this time makinig ka sa akin at maibsan ko ang nararamdaman mo ga.i really want to see you ga.can i?
On saturday i have a sched (same time) for my prenatal and another lab.don't worri i always take care of my self and the baby.
i hope to see you soon ga.

i really love you.
bhelyrel ventura wrote:
hi ga, i'm glad you wrote me letters. i was expecting that you have made up your mind by now but i think i still have to bide my time. while your other foot is on the other side of the fence, i can't help but have doubts still in all these things. i have taken a long vacation and i am back in all my elements now. i thought that when i go back, i would be back to my normal self but i still am feeling half empty of what you have done to me. maybe, it's Gods' will that it will be like this. if only i turn back time and undo all the things that i did i would have done them. i don't like this feeling that i feel everyday. i am with a heavy heart and each day is like one hell of a marathon of agony and pains. each night has been a torment that everytime i hit the bed i wished that i would not wake up anymore. but then i still see the morning sun. maybe it's wrong to wish that your dead. they say that we should be careful of what we wish it might come true. but it always wish that it will come true so that i would not feel this way anymore.

i am sorry i am feeling this way. i hope you understand. God knows how much i love you. if only i could visit all the churches again and light the candles all over again i would do it if it would mean i could have you and the baby.

your last email struck me in a different way i guess. you are still the same mabel that i used to know. what you say is entirely different from what you do. please don't say you love me because you don't mean what you say. perhaps you still don't know it's meaning because if you truly love me then you would have done what you said before. maybe it's my fault too because i expected a lot. but then again, you knew me also that i would always believe in what you say no matter how i am always clouded with doubts.

until here. please take extra care of the baby.

it would be an understatement for me to say that i love you but i still do.


in all these things, I am still in quandary of what to do. Each day has been a torment to me. I feel like it’s draining me to the core. Last night on my way home, I thought again of ending my life. I can’t bear this pain anymore that I lost my best friend and bel is still the same. A half of myself is tied up with bel and another one fourth was taken by bvhoy last night. The remaining portion in me is half drained also and confused of what has been happening to me. I hope that bel would one day realize that I don’t go for a set up like this. I am still the third party that I used to be even if she is still carrying my baby in her womb. When will she realize that as husband and wife should live together under the same roof. When will she realize that for sometime now I am always lost because of what she does to me. when will she realize that I am never complete without her. When will she realize that she has to give up ed if we are to live as a family together. I still sound hopeful though in all these things because I still believe in us together.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

eleven 6 06...

This one was borne out of idleness. Of realizations and of acceptance. Of beginnings and endings. Of comings and leavings. Of realities and make-believe. And of Moving On for that matter.

The eccentricities of life if viewed from the perspective of a mediocre person thrown and tossed into it are quite irresolute. The crooked highway of life no matter how hard you make it straight remains to be full of thorns and humps. Wishy-washy as I am,

Human as we are, we are bound to make mistakes.

be careful with what you wish for...televen 2 06

As the popular saying goes, I should be careful with my wishes. But it never fails. Every night I would always wish that I’ll never wake up the following morning. That God would take me the painless way. It is just ironic how optimistic I was during my heydays and become so rotten lately up to this day. I feel so empty and alone. Yesterday was All Saints Day and there was no office. I stayed the whole day at home without nothing to do except to wallow in self pity. I was a picture of happy person before. It’s entirely a different story now. I am no longer my usual self. I have deteriorated to a lonesome loser who would just keep quiet in my abode and would not talk things of what is happening around. I no longer have the bubbly personality in me and I have been transformed to a strong silent type person. Some of my new officemates even tell me that I should reach my speech quota for the day as I always am quiet. I am also bothered that I may adopt this kind of attitude and one day I will find myself an entirely different me. Aside from that, I admit that I have become bitter to my friends also. Well, probably it is my way of bidding them goodbye so as not to be painful. Well it seems it is painful for me because I think about them most of the time. While I may say that there is no harm if I would still keep them, the question is whether they want to befriend me still. I have doubts also. Now, it is the bitter me again. Probably I am paranoid. It is true that you don’t know your friends well if you haven’t had a fight with them yet. Talk of clashing personalities and different priorities in life. If I could surpass this one, bvhoy and me and shy will be good friends again. Again. Fingers crossed. During the weekend, I have resolved also that I should not be bitter with them anymore and I would try to make amends with them. And so I started to treat them well again. I started texting shy and bvhoy again even though their numbers have been erased in my phonebook already. I also started to chat to them also last Tuesday. And I also made amends with arnie and dj and hope to duplicate it with anybody whom I had a grudge with. That way, I will feel good. That way, I’ll be able to redeem the old me and back to my elements again. Though I intend to maintain my quiet me in here, I wont give way to bitterness and grudge and some other things that would make me miserable also. I deserve to be happy after all.

I’m glad I am feeling this way again. I guess it’s a part of acceptance process and letting go phase (sounds like I just delivered a new baby).

Come November 15, it’s her birthday. I don’t know yet if she will meet up with me. the last time we saw each other was two weeks ago. I stopped sending her text messages and chat after our serious talk last October 20. it’s almost two weeks and during those period, I was a bum and wasted. Although I sent her an email message, it was some sort of goodbye message. I don’t know if she was able to read it already I hope she does. This time, I like her to know that I am hurt of what she had decided for herself. But I miss her a lot. God knows how much I miss her. I am worried about the baby also.

I was trying to remember things last night what went wrong in between the two of us. I could not really fathom the magnitude of its effect to me so far but I know pretty well the outcome would not be a favorable one for me. I know this would mean a lot of consequences to me and that I will not be able to bring back again the things that should have been otherwise if I am not stubborn. I will have regrets I know. As early as now, I am preparing myself to accept those.

nothing much to talk about..ten 27 06

This is one of the moments where I feel like my eyes are a hundred pounds or more. It would fall of in no time at all. The pull of gravity on my back has been so intense that I could lie down on the floor. My strained neck has been doing the rounds left and right. And I could no longer maintain my composure in front of these people.

I got a new mail again from mabel. This time, she is asking for assistance for our baby. What can I say, I will be a father soon.

marami lang akong iniisip ngayon na matagal ko ng saloobin. Actually, sa dami ng naiisip ko hindi ko na alam kung ano ang tama at ano ang mali. Oo, sinagot ko ang kanyang sulat at kahit papano ako ay nagmagandang loob na sasagutin ang mga kinakailangan ng bata. Masama pa rin ang loob ko sa totoo lang. Parang wala akong magandang nagawa sa relasyong eto kaya nahantong sa ganito. Sino ba ang dapat sisihin? Ako ba? Siya ba? Or kami pareho? Sino kaya ang pwedeng sumagot ng mga tanong ko…

hindi ko pwedend ikwento sa nanay ko kse masyadong masalimuot ang aming estado ngayon. Tiyak hindi nya maiintidihan kung bakit. Kaya sinabihan ko lang sya na huwag na lang maki alam. Alam ko may malasakit ang nanay ko kahit papano pero ngayon kelangan na dapat wala syang malalaman tungkol sa aming dalawa. Mahalaga na kahit papano o ano man ang mangyayari, wala syang alam tungkol sa kung ano nga ba talaga ang tunay na dahilan.

Siguro kung alam nia tiyak na magagalit yun sa una. Pero sa una lang naman. Siguro naman maiintidihan din nya kung bakit nag kaganito. Sa dami ng nangyari sa buhay ko na parang duamaan lang na normal, eto pa lang ang pinaka masalimuot sa tanang buhay ko.

May kliyente pa ako. Teka lang.
Eto ulit ako. Ayan, maraming pula tuloy ang aking manuscript gawa ng tagalog ang sulat ko ngayon.