Tuesday, November 07, 2006

be careful with what you wish for...televen 2 06

As the popular saying goes, I should be careful with my wishes. But it never fails. Every night I would always wish that I’ll never wake up the following morning. That God would take me the painless way. It is just ironic how optimistic I was during my heydays and become so rotten lately up to this day. I feel so empty and alone. Yesterday was All Saints Day and there was no office. I stayed the whole day at home without nothing to do except to wallow in self pity. I was a picture of happy person before. It’s entirely a different story now. I am no longer my usual self. I have deteriorated to a lonesome loser who would just keep quiet in my abode and would not talk things of what is happening around. I no longer have the bubbly personality in me and I have been transformed to a strong silent type person. Some of my new officemates even tell me that I should reach my speech quota for the day as I always am quiet. I am also bothered that I may adopt this kind of attitude and one day I will find myself an entirely different me. Aside from that, I admit that I have become bitter to my friends also. Well, probably it is my way of bidding them goodbye so as not to be painful. Well it seems it is painful for me because I think about them most of the time. While I may say that there is no harm if I would still keep them, the question is whether they want to befriend me still. I have doubts also. Now, it is the bitter me again. Probably I am paranoid. It is true that you don’t know your friends well if you haven’t had a fight with them yet. Talk of clashing personalities and different priorities in life. If I could surpass this one, bvhoy and me and shy will be good friends again. Again. Fingers crossed. During the weekend, I have resolved also that I should not be bitter with them anymore and I would try to make amends with them. And so I started to treat them well again. I started texting shy and bvhoy again even though their numbers have been erased in my phonebook already. I also started to chat to them also last Tuesday. And I also made amends with arnie and dj and hope to duplicate it with anybody whom I had a grudge with. That way, I will feel good. That way, I’ll be able to redeem the old me and back to my elements again. Though I intend to maintain my quiet me in here, I wont give way to bitterness and grudge and some other things that would make me miserable also. I deserve to be happy after all.

I’m glad I am feeling this way again. I guess it’s a part of acceptance process and letting go phase (sounds like I just delivered a new baby).

Come November 15, it’s her birthday. I don’t know yet if she will meet up with me. the last time we saw each other was two weeks ago. I stopped sending her text messages and chat after our serious talk last October 20. it’s almost two weeks and during those period, I was a bum and wasted. Although I sent her an email message, it was some sort of goodbye message. I don’t know if she was able to read it already I hope she does. This time, I like her to know that I am hurt of what she had decided for herself. But I miss her a lot. God knows how much I miss her. I am worried about the baby also.

I was trying to remember things last night what went wrong in between the two of us. I could not really fathom the magnitude of its effect to me so far but I know pretty well the outcome would not be a favorable one for me. I know this would mean a lot of consequences to me and that I will not be able to bring back again the things that should have been otherwise if I am not stubborn. I will have regrets I know. As early as now, I am preparing myself to accept those.

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