Then this very early I got a mail from bel. Below is the full transcript together with the letter I sent her with which she based her reply.
i know you don't believed me but that's how i feel...i've tried to ignore you but i can't...i hate this felings i pretend to my self that im ok bt im not...i want to see you GOD KNOWS HOW MUCH I MISSED YOU GA...sometimes i want to go to your house bt im afraid because you ignored my mails...im so happy that you replied at last...as what i told you di kami mawawala syo maniwala ka sana sa akin...i swear to that ga...i want you to take care of your self...ayaw ko na nagiinom ka o kung ano man..please kung di sa akin para nlang sa baby...ga i know how you feel coz i feel the same i can't sleep at night thinking of you.i hope this time makinig ka sa akin at maibsan ko ang nararamdaman mo ga.i really want to see you ga.can i?
On saturday i have a sched (same time) for my prenatal and another lab.don't worri i always take care of my self and the baby.
i hope to see you soon ga.
i really love you.
hi ga, i'm glad you wrote me letters. i was expecting that you have made up your mind by now but i think i still have to bide my time. while your other foot is on the other side of the fence, i can't help but have doubts still in all these things. i have taken a long vacation and i am back in all my elements now. i thought that when i go back, i would be back to my normal self but i still am feeling half empty of what you have done to me. maybe, it's Gods' will that it will be like this. if only i turn back time and undo all the things that i did i would have done them. i don't like this feeling that i feel everyday. i am with a heavy heart and each day is like one hell of a marathon of agony and pains. each night has been a torment that everytime i hit the bed i wished that i would not wake up anymore. but then i still see the morning sun. maybe it's wrong to wish that your dead. they say that we should be careful of what we wish it might come true. but it always wish that it will come true so that i would not feel this way anymore.
i am sorry i am feeling this way. i hope you understand. God knows how much i love you. if only i could visit all the churches again and light the candles all over again i would do it if it would mean i could have you and the baby.
your last email struck me in a different way i guess. you are still the same mabel that i used to know. what you say is entirely different from what you do. please don't say you love me because you don't mean what you say. perhaps you still don't know it's meaning because if you truly love me then you would have done what you said before. maybe it's my fault too because i expected a lot. but then again, you knew me also that i would always believe in what you say no matter how i am always clouded with doubts.
until here. please take extra care of the baby.
it would be an understatement for me to say that i love you but i still do.
in all these things, I am still in quandary of what to do. Each day has been a torment to me. I feel like it’s draining me to the core. Last night on my way home, I thought again of ending my life. I can’t bear this pain anymore that I lost my best friend and bel is still the same. A half of myself is tied up with bel and another one fourth was taken by bvhoy last night. The remaining portion in me is half drained also and confused of what has been happening to me. I hope that bel would one day realize that I don’t go for a set up like this. I am still the third party that I used to be even if she is still carrying my baby in her womb. When will she realize that as husband and wife should live together under the same roof. When will she realize that for sometime now I am always lost because of what she does to me. when will she realize that I am never complete without her. When will she realize that she has to give up ed if we are to live as a family together. I still sound hopeful though in all these things because I still believe in us together.