Friday, June 15, 2007

rebound...

i am amazed at how things have finally been straightened out in my life after ava was born. a week after she was born and too much bohemian adventures in and out of the metro, i am a changed person. "changed" in the real sense of the word.
call it a "blessing" in the guise of a small bundle of joy every single day but my life has turned a complete 360 degrees. not that i have regrets. in fact, i am completely contented with what i have right now even with a meager means to make both ends meet. i dont have all the world in my hand but with my daughter and my wife beside me, it's like hitting the jackpot in a las vegas lottery dra
if i am to quote a famous rock song, it would be "...the best days of my life" from bon jovi's summer of 69. i couldnt ask for more. well, of course materially i want to have my own house where i could raise my family and eventually a car. although i see it coming before the year ends, i still am feeling complete and having no violent complaints whatsoever with how it is going smoothly.
discounting the daily threats from major, i am just a simple family man who goes to the office religiously and back to the house come 5 in the afternoon. it's a routine but i indulge in it and i always look forward in coming home early to see ava and play with her. her grin lightens up our small abode. she brings a smile on our faces every single day.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

palawan getaway...

yes, 'twas a one helluva week of palawan adventures. dos palmas, seƱorita sandbar, snake island and the rest of honda bay beckoned like sparkling gems.

the stalker...

admittedly, I am bothered by the text messages. Well, not so bothered unlike the first weeks of the threats. I always have the perennial dubduh in my chest every time my phone buzzes to signal that a message was received. Whew…I wish that I would get over the feeling. I tried ignoring it a lot of times but it wont work at all. I tried changing my sim card too but I jst cant stop changing sim cards practically every week. and so I have to settle to my old sim which he text frequently.

I tried replying once thinking that ed would finally stop bothering me but it did not work. It became worst I should say. And so I did not reply anymore. Once is enough for a stupid and angered beast they say. Im afraid too that if I reply in one of his messages I might cross the line where I am supposed to just stand watch.

While it bothers me more that he had been texting my mother too, it hurts me all the more that I feel hatred for my mom for entering into the picture which supposedly should not be the case since ever since this entire hullaballo came I’ve warned her over and over again not to interfere at all. And so it happens that ed was able to determine that it was my mom and so he keeps on texting god knows what. If the text messages he sent to me brings in shivers, what more with my mother who knows nothing about the mess I am in. good thing she gave in that she has to change sim.

My bp is probably above the threshold right now. I am mad at everybody else. Mad with myself and what is happening to me.

I wish I could go somewhere else again far away from this place and far away from the thought that has been bugging me all this while. Just like the new song of gwen stefani “sweet escape”, I would probably go far far away and swim in a beach. If only I could.

My trip to palawan is getting nearer. That would be on Monday and im half into it and half not into it at all. For no particular reason I am not excited unlike previous trips in new places before. Probably because of how I am feeling right now. I just wish that I will enjoy the time with engineering people in there and hope to come out a better person out of the week long trip with new faces to deal with.

Last night I thought I would never see the ray of sunlight again. I had cramps attack twice and I felt like it was the end of the world. It was so painful I almost lost my breath during the second cramp. Whew…up until now, my left foot still hurts terribly and I walk like a limping duck.

of threats and being happy...

Amongst the two being combined together just very recently in my oh so colorful introduction to the family life, I am amazed at myself that I came out strong and courageous (somewhat an understatement though but I chose to assess it that way).

If Miriam defensor-santiago eats threats during breakfast, I practically have them the whole day. I mean I have them during unholy hours of the day even midnight from the one and only colonel ed de castro. Who else? Tsk tsk tsk…

I’m not saying I am not disturbed by the text messages. In fact, there are times that and I mean most of the time that I have apprehension whether I will open my message or not because one way or another it would be another death threat from ed. whew… it really is difficult to be happy. To say the most, he makes it soooo difficult for me and my family to be happy.

All the death threats have been saved in my folders box though. Who knows he might just implement what he says. With that investigators would have a clue on the cause of my death (if ever there would be people interested enough to investigate the cause of my death). Sometimes, I am contemplating of saying my good bye piece to my love ones and acquaintances so that they will be prepared of my departure.

But then again, during the past five days that my wife and my daughter spent with me, I was changed entirely. I am extremely happy. Those were the five happiest days of my life. And so I have postulated that I am not permitting ed to cut my life and my happiness. My family is my life now. And I am happy to have my own family and nobody must destroy my family.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

post partum blues...

looking at my baby for the first time was a different high. the kind of highs i've felt before has been surpassed by the bundle of joy wrapped in a pink clothe with a striped bonnet. moreso after holding her and hugging her all through out the night since she keeps on crying. i could not help but be emotional.

ava came into this world last sunday (march 4, 2007). i was informed the day after when i was in the office. i unconsciously opened my ym account (i don't open it for two weeks i guess) and i got an offline message from rhea (the dancer classmate) that i am already a dad. and so that afternoon after office, i gathered all my wits, courage, sweat, blood, tears and everything (of course, i had to bel if it is safe to come over and if ed is not there). things and vicinities cleared, i went there after dropping in mercury to get some last minute baby wipes and alcohol for ava's umbilical cord.

supposedly, avy will keep watch but i insisted so that i could be with ava even for the whole night (there is only one watcher allowed in the hospital). and so for the first time, i had to make milk for her, cuddle her, touch her on the cheek (looks like chloe though a little bit darker), and kiss her. i inspected her arms if its complete, her feet if nothing's missing and everything in her. i took pictures of us together while she was sleeping and basked on the cuteness of my baby. ahhh...im complete.

i was in awe looking at the little thing which came from me. i feel different and i feel like shouting to the whole world that i am a proud daddy now. but not just yet. little did i know that it was a fleeting happines.

the happiness was short lived. the day after i had to go early morning for office. i left her and the baby at 6 and kissed them goodbye not knowing what is in store for the three of us now that we are a family. i still remember the thing she said to me during our last conversation that she will live with ed after the baby comes out. that was the time when i walked out of the conversation because i could not bear the thought that she and the baby will not live with me. when i left, she just told me that we will split the bill in the hospital.

Monday, March 05, 2007

on being a father...

i became a father yesterday morning at 7 am.

Friday, February 16, 2007

PAIN...

It’s valentine’s week. Yet, I feel like it’s holy week. A while ago, while we were chatting, she finally unleashed the dreadest thing I don’t want to hear my whole damn life. It was spilled like some sort of a piece of candy you give little children. Just like that. Not much hullabaloo and all. She told me that there would be no problem if she and my baby would eventually settle with ed. I was hurt. I still am. In fact I am still trembling right now. It was like the final nail was finally laid to its last vacant space. I am really hurt. My initial reaction was silence. I can’t contain what I feel honestly because as if there was a wave that swept my whole head and my whole being. The feeling that you’re somehow in heat and yet something inside is cold. I could not carry my head that I almost banged it on the wall beside me. up until this time, my nerves hasn’t gone back to normal yet. It’s like as if the blood within are just like raging hormones you feel during orgasm. Only, this time there is no momentary high. There is only pain in the real sense of the word. PAIN…

I don’t want to cry anymore. My tears have been drained for almost a year now. My nights have been tearful and all. My Sunday service in the church have been decorated with a lot of emotions and pain and everything that is associated with loneliness. God knows how I feel.

I guess I will cry. I don’t know really. For now, I am on the brink of it but I am holding it up. No way it would fall down my face. I will be brave this time. This will pass uneventful for me. tonight I will just go home just like any other night, watch tv and drift off to wonderland.

it's over...

i guess it's over. read on...


york: baka si major na to?
pretty bhelle: lagot ka!!!!!!!!!!!
york: ganon...
york: oks lang..
pretty bhelle:
pretty bhelle: bkit oks lang
pretty bhelle: di kba busy?
pretty bhelle: hi pogi
pretty bhelle:
pretty bhelle:
york: yep
york: ano na sasabihin mo?
york: alam ko yan din yung sasabihin mo last time eh
pretty bhelle: gusto ko kaharap kita...heheheee
pretty bhelle: ayaw ko sa chat..
york: pareho lang yun...
york: now na..
pretty bhelle: hindi magkaiba..
pretty bhelle: ayoko nga!!!! namimilit ba daw..
york: pareho lang un.
york: ano nga un.
pretty bhelle: hmmmm....magkaiba nga...papagalitan ka ni Ava nyan e
york: ewan ko sayo..
york: ano bang pinag kaiba non
pretty bhelle: syempre papakainin mo ako sa kamayan tapos dun ko sasabihin syo...pero pagdito di mo na ako pakainin..
york: ganon
york: kakain pa rin naman tayo dun ah khit sabihin mo ngayon
pretty bhelle: opo..
pretty bhelle: cge pag isipan ko kung sasabihin ko dito sayo sa chat...kakain lang ako ng lunch..ok
pretty bhelle: gutom na kmi ni ava e
york: hainaku...
york: cge kain ka muna
pretty bhelle:
pretty bhelle:
york: hinihintay kita..


Hide Recent Messages (F3)

BUZZ!!!
pretty bhelle: hayyyy....ang daming kailangan mag sign dito sa loan application
pretty bhelle: maliban sa ang daming clearance...wala nman akong case pero ang dami nila pinapakuha
BUZZ!!!
york: ganon..
york: hanap ka na lang ng mautusan jan mag pa sign
york: baka mapagod ka pa nia mapa anak ka ka agad
pretty bhelle: lagot wala pang pera tapos manganganak na wheheehhe
pretty bhelle has unloaded the IMVironment.
york: benta ko na lang sarili ko..
york: marami naman sigurong bibili sa malate ntio
pretty bhelle: whahhahaaaa....pasaway ka !!!! wag na ayoko
pretty bhelle: ga my isang option pra walang prob...pero kailangan pangako mo sa akin na mag aaral ka.tapos pagkagraduate mo kunin mo kmi ni Ava.
BUZZ!!!
york: uu. mag aaral naman talaga ako eh
york: ano ung option mo?
pretty bhelle: pansamantala kay daddy kmi pero kailangan mangako ka kunin mo kami ni Ava...dapat makagraduate ka agad
pretty bhelle: ga wala kang problema pag kay daddy kmi.hayaan kita di kita obligahin para kay Ava.Di ko gagawin to para sa akin kung di para sa ating 3.total andito na tyo.di madali talagang mahirap alam ko pero eto ang pinakamadali

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

physically and emotionally fed up…

I don’t know, but perhaps everything has taken its toll. I feel like giving up and ending my life. On our way back to the office today (I did an inspection in LISP 1, CPIP and FTP), I wished that some stroke of fate would come down upon me and take my life away in just a split second. No long and agonizing pain just a sudden snap. But it did not happen. Now that I am in front of my computer, I also wish that I had some strange disease that I would just disappear like a bubble in the air. Whew!! God knows how I feel right now. It’s unexplainable to anybody. Up until this very moment, I have short breath and that I feel like I have chest pains like there’s a big mass of something inserted inside my heart that I just find it difficult to breath. I am thinking that probably at my early age of 30, I have hypertension also just like ely buendia’s case.

While on the car going back in the office to day, I got this text from mabel that she might be due anytime soon and that it might be CS or through forceps delivery. It struck me hard enough that I could not think for another minute or so. For one, I don’t know where to get the money for such. Second, I am just at a loss on what to do. The squirmy and inappropriate me just replied that I wanted to die at the very moment. What a courageous thing to say to a pregnant girlfriend. Whew! Honestly, I just don’t know what to say except that I felt like I am on to a very big problem.

And so I am physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually drained and almost close to being dead meat. I feel like my arms have no strength anymore. My joints have been stripped of its capacity to flex and my mind has been devastated by a raging typhoon. God, help me please. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do and basically, I don’t know where to go.

I’m on the brink of giving up.

Monday, February 05, 2007

of mediocrity and excellente...

the monday morning program today impressed in me a lot of things. aside from the routinary pledges, this morning was different as the DG made a short presentation. it's a reflection on life as a whole. of thanking the Lord for life's extremes. i was able to relate as the sermon yesterday in the church was still afresh in my memory. somehow, both messages connect with each other.

while there are times that i pause for a while to think of what has been happening to me and those that surrounds me, i was never wary of whether i made a good impression on them. sometimes, i do think that what i have shown is not at all worth emulating. well, with the hedonistic lifestyle that i have led i will never wonder really if no one would take a second look and analyze what i am doing. is it really possible that people around you will think highly of what you do and you become an inspiration to them? for some leaders i guess who are being looked up into, it is a given fact. but for a person like me who has nothing really much to offer ecxept my not so brilliant thoughts i guess it would just go to the drains.

on the other hand, i thought that it's not about how i made an impression on some other people but of what has become of me of what i do. a real self close examination lately keeps on bugging me. perhaps it explains why for the past two days, simple things has such a great effect on me. case in point yesterday where i was in tears during the sermon. this morning also, when the DG was reciting the reflections, i was nearly in tears again. what is happening to me? have i come to the point that i would finally surrender all i have got to give?

a lot of questions would cross my mind. have i become a good son? a good neighbor? a good boyfried (err, husband), good citizen? things like these make me stop and think of my next steps. i have figured long enough that i would try to be good. i mean inside out. good in the sense that i will be happy with all the things that i will be doing in the same way that other people are happy also. in short, not stepping on others toes.


i have resolved also that i'll be a better employee this year and onwards. not that i did not perform well last year but i want to exceed my capacity this year and hopefully be able to say to myself that indeed i am worth the the government is paying for.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

2007..

yes, it is indeed.