Tuesday, February 13, 2007

physically and emotionally fed up…

I don’t know, but perhaps everything has taken its toll. I feel like giving up and ending my life. On our way back to the office today (I did an inspection in LISP 1, CPIP and FTP), I wished that some stroke of fate would come down upon me and take my life away in just a split second. No long and agonizing pain just a sudden snap. But it did not happen. Now that I am in front of my computer, I also wish that I had some strange disease that I would just disappear like a bubble in the air. Whew!! God knows how I feel right now. It’s unexplainable to anybody. Up until this very moment, I have short breath and that I feel like I have chest pains like there’s a big mass of something inserted inside my heart that I just find it difficult to breath. I am thinking that probably at my early age of 30, I have hypertension also just like ely buendia’s case.

While on the car going back in the office to day, I got this text from mabel that she might be due anytime soon and that it might be CS or through forceps delivery. It struck me hard enough that I could not think for another minute or so. For one, I don’t know where to get the money for such. Second, I am just at a loss on what to do. The squirmy and inappropriate me just replied that I wanted to die at the very moment. What a courageous thing to say to a pregnant girlfriend. Whew! Honestly, I just don’t know what to say except that I felt like I am on to a very big problem.

And so I am physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually drained and almost close to being dead meat. I feel like my arms have no strength anymore. My joints have been stripped of its capacity to flex and my mind has been devastated by a raging typhoon. God, help me please. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do and basically, I don’t know where to go.

I’m on the brink of giving up.

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