Friday, February 16, 2007

PAIN...

It’s valentine’s week. Yet, I feel like it’s holy week. A while ago, while we were chatting, she finally unleashed the dreadest thing I don’t want to hear my whole damn life. It was spilled like some sort of a piece of candy you give little children. Just like that. Not much hullabaloo and all. She told me that there would be no problem if she and my baby would eventually settle with ed. I was hurt. I still am. In fact I am still trembling right now. It was like the final nail was finally laid to its last vacant space. I am really hurt. My initial reaction was silence. I can’t contain what I feel honestly because as if there was a wave that swept my whole head and my whole being. The feeling that you’re somehow in heat and yet something inside is cold. I could not carry my head that I almost banged it on the wall beside me. up until this time, my nerves hasn’t gone back to normal yet. It’s like as if the blood within are just like raging hormones you feel during orgasm. Only, this time there is no momentary high. There is only pain in the real sense of the word. PAIN…

I don’t want to cry anymore. My tears have been drained for almost a year now. My nights have been tearful and all. My Sunday service in the church have been decorated with a lot of emotions and pain and everything that is associated with loneliness. God knows how I feel.

I guess I will cry. I don’t know really. For now, I am on the brink of it but I am holding it up. No way it would fall down my face. I will be brave this time. This will pass uneventful for me. tonight I will just go home just like any other night, watch tv and drift off to wonderland.

it's over...

i guess it's over. read on...


york: baka si major na to?
pretty bhelle: lagot ka!!!!!!!!!!!
york: ganon...
york: oks lang..
pretty bhelle:
pretty bhelle: bkit oks lang
pretty bhelle: di kba busy?
pretty bhelle: hi pogi
pretty bhelle:
pretty bhelle:
york: yep
york: ano na sasabihin mo?
york: alam ko yan din yung sasabihin mo last time eh
pretty bhelle: gusto ko kaharap kita...heheheee
pretty bhelle: ayaw ko sa chat..
york: pareho lang yun...
york: now na..
pretty bhelle: hindi magkaiba..
pretty bhelle: ayoko nga!!!! namimilit ba daw..
york: pareho lang un.
york: ano nga un.
pretty bhelle: hmmmm....magkaiba nga...papagalitan ka ni Ava nyan e
york: ewan ko sayo..
york: ano bang pinag kaiba non
pretty bhelle: syempre papakainin mo ako sa kamayan tapos dun ko sasabihin syo...pero pagdito di mo na ako pakainin..
york: ganon
york: kakain pa rin naman tayo dun ah khit sabihin mo ngayon
pretty bhelle: opo..
pretty bhelle: cge pag isipan ko kung sasabihin ko dito sayo sa chat...kakain lang ako ng lunch..ok
pretty bhelle: gutom na kmi ni ava e
york: hainaku...
york: cge kain ka muna
pretty bhelle:
pretty bhelle:
york: hinihintay kita..


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BUZZ!!!
pretty bhelle: hayyyy....ang daming kailangan mag sign dito sa loan application
pretty bhelle: maliban sa ang daming clearance...wala nman akong case pero ang dami nila pinapakuha
BUZZ!!!
york: ganon..
york: hanap ka na lang ng mautusan jan mag pa sign
york: baka mapagod ka pa nia mapa anak ka ka agad
pretty bhelle: lagot wala pang pera tapos manganganak na wheheehhe
pretty bhelle has unloaded the IMVironment.
york: benta ko na lang sarili ko..
york: marami naman sigurong bibili sa malate ntio
pretty bhelle: whahhahaaaa....pasaway ka !!!! wag na ayoko
pretty bhelle: ga my isang option pra walang prob...pero kailangan pangako mo sa akin na mag aaral ka.tapos pagkagraduate mo kunin mo kmi ni Ava.
BUZZ!!!
york: uu. mag aaral naman talaga ako eh
york: ano ung option mo?
pretty bhelle: pansamantala kay daddy kmi pero kailangan mangako ka kunin mo kami ni Ava...dapat makagraduate ka agad
pretty bhelle: ga wala kang problema pag kay daddy kmi.hayaan kita di kita obligahin para kay Ava.Di ko gagawin to para sa akin kung di para sa ating 3.total andito na tyo.di madali talagang mahirap alam ko pero eto ang pinakamadali

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

physically and emotionally fed up…

I don’t know, but perhaps everything has taken its toll. I feel like giving up and ending my life. On our way back to the office today (I did an inspection in LISP 1, CPIP and FTP), I wished that some stroke of fate would come down upon me and take my life away in just a split second. No long and agonizing pain just a sudden snap. But it did not happen. Now that I am in front of my computer, I also wish that I had some strange disease that I would just disappear like a bubble in the air. Whew!! God knows how I feel right now. It’s unexplainable to anybody. Up until this very moment, I have short breath and that I feel like I have chest pains like there’s a big mass of something inserted inside my heart that I just find it difficult to breath. I am thinking that probably at my early age of 30, I have hypertension also just like ely buendia’s case.

While on the car going back in the office to day, I got this text from mabel that she might be due anytime soon and that it might be CS or through forceps delivery. It struck me hard enough that I could not think for another minute or so. For one, I don’t know where to get the money for such. Second, I am just at a loss on what to do. The squirmy and inappropriate me just replied that I wanted to die at the very moment. What a courageous thing to say to a pregnant girlfriend. Whew! Honestly, I just don’t know what to say except that I felt like I am on to a very big problem.

And so I am physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually drained and almost close to being dead meat. I feel like my arms have no strength anymore. My joints have been stripped of its capacity to flex and my mind has been devastated by a raging typhoon. God, help me please. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do and basically, I don’t know where to go.

I’m on the brink of giving up.

Monday, February 05, 2007

of mediocrity and excellente...

the monday morning program today impressed in me a lot of things. aside from the routinary pledges, this morning was different as the DG made a short presentation. it's a reflection on life as a whole. of thanking the Lord for life's extremes. i was able to relate as the sermon yesterday in the church was still afresh in my memory. somehow, both messages connect with each other.

while there are times that i pause for a while to think of what has been happening to me and those that surrounds me, i was never wary of whether i made a good impression on them. sometimes, i do think that what i have shown is not at all worth emulating. well, with the hedonistic lifestyle that i have led i will never wonder really if no one would take a second look and analyze what i am doing. is it really possible that people around you will think highly of what you do and you become an inspiration to them? for some leaders i guess who are being looked up into, it is a given fact. but for a person like me who has nothing really much to offer ecxept my not so brilliant thoughts i guess it would just go to the drains.

on the other hand, i thought that it's not about how i made an impression on some other people but of what has become of me of what i do. a real self close examination lately keeps on bugging me. perhaps it explains why for the past two days, simple things has such a great effect on me. case in point yesterday where i was in tears during the sermon. this morning also, when the DG was reciting the reflections, i was nearly in tears again. what is happening to me? have i come to the point that i would finally surrender all i have got to give?

a lot of questions would cross my mind. have i become a good son? a good neighbor? a good boyfried (err, husband), good citizen? things like these make me stop and think of my next steps. i have figured long enough that i would try to be good. i mean inside out. good in the sense that i will be happy with all the things that i will be doing in the same way that other people are happy also. in short, not stepping on others toes.


i have resolved also that i'll be a better employee this year and onwards. not that i did not perform well last year but i want to exceed my capacity this year and hopefully be able to say to myself that indeed i am worth the the government is paying for.